(Every so often, Donald J. Trump emails me – or his family, or his staff, and one time, his building. Being a polite sort, I started to answer. Usually, they ask for money. Instead, I send my thoughts and prayers. Who wouldn’t want to be the pen pal of the President of the United States?)
It was weird at Whee World, Donny.
Dec. 19, 2018
I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch. We went on vacation. Not to our exclusive golf course, like you do (we don’t have one… it would be nice, though. Most golf courses are like big parks with occasional holes in them and very tiny beaches). We went on the sort of vacation lots of people go on. We went to theme parks.
Which brings up an uncomfortable subject. But because I’m your friend, I have to tell you. If you had toilet paper stuck to your shoe, or your breath smelled like you ate a road-killed skunk, it would be my responsibility to let you know,even though it was awkward, right? So this is like that.
We went to a theme park… let’s call it Whee World. They have this thing with robot presidents. It’s cooler than it sounds. A little history presentation (if you get a chance, you really should watch it. Some guy once said that people who don’t pay attention to history get to do it all over again, or something like that), then robots of the presidents make little speeches. Well, some do. There have been a lot of presidents. Really it’s the big ones that get to speak. Washington, Lincoln, one of the Roosevelts, I think… anyway, you’ll be happy to know that you’re one of the ones that talks.
It was a bit of your inauguration speech. As speeches go, it was okay. Less “four score and seven years ago,” and more “sales figures for the first quarter look to be up over this same time last year.” And your robot looks a bit odd. Like a circus clown who had to go onstage before he finished all of his makeup. It’s not that it didn’t look like you. Really, Donny, it’s time to stop using the tanning bed. You’re a very pale white guy. Make your peace with it. Anyway, it was interesting to see the reactions in the audience as each president was announced. Big cheers for Washington and Lincoln, of course, but also for JFK, Teddy Roosevelt and FDR. A nice round of applause for Obama. You’ll be glad to know you got some applause, too…
also some hearty laughter and a fair number of boos. You were the only one to get that reaction, Donny. Maybe because that was the day that it came out that people you hired said you let Russia influence our elections. They said you directed it. And there are questions about how involved you still are with your businesses, allegations that you trade influence for money.
This toilet paper isn’t stuck to your shoe, Donny. It’s hanging out of your pants like a tail, and everyone can see it.
Donny, lots of people want to believe you didn’t do it, or didn’t understand what you were doing when you let a foreign government influence the outcome of our election. But if you didn’t understand what you were doing, why didn’t you? If you hired someone who didn’t know anything about the business, and then he didn’t work his butt off to learn everything he needed to know, and he let somebody steal from the company because they somehow fooled you into hiring him, then he told you he didn’t know enough about his job, or the business, to realize that was a problem, you’d fire him, wouldn’t you? And probably call the cops on him.
Donny, it’s Christmas time. New Year’s Day is right around the corner. A time for new beginnings. Endings can be beginnings, too. Off with the old and on with the new, and all that. It’s time to retire. Just because I can’t think of a sitting U.S. President who ever decided to just quit doesn’t mean it isn’t an option. There’s no shame in quitting something if you really aren’t good at it. It’s just not for you.
I hate seeing you digging yourself into a deep hole, then trying to get out of it by digging it deeper. You won’t do well in jail, Donny, and the way you’re going, jail might be your most attractive option. But if you retire? Maybe, just maybe, if you tell them all you know about how it happened, so they can do something to reduce the chance of it happening again, and tell your family and staff to tell all they know, it’s just possible you’ll be allowed to retire, so long as you stay out of politics.
You’ve been threatening to shut down the government if you don’t get billions for that wall you want so much, the one that you promised Mexico would pay for. Everybody knows you’re really only harping about it because you hope to distract them, but Donny, it won’t work. If you set fire to the house, you can’t keep people from noticing by pointing at the mailbox. They’ll still notice the house is on fire.
You’ll be glad to know that the Mueller investigation is paying its own way, at least. It’s cost $25 million so far, (the Ken Starr investigation of the Clintons cost over $70 million, and didn’t make it back – that’s the way these things usually go). So far, they’ve gotten the crooks to agree to pay over $40 million. So don’t worry about the cost. We might even make a few dollars off the whole thing. As a businessman, I knew you’d like that.
At the very least, it’s not costing us anything yet, and is likely to be far less expensive than the Starr investigation. It’s possible they won’t ask you to return the money you got for anything shady you’ve done, if you tell them everything and go home quietly. Try to look repentant, Donny. Prison is, so I hear, very uncomfortable.
Wishing You An Un-incarcerated Christmas,
Your Pen Pal