Presidential Pen Pal: Your Not-At-All Secret Admirer

Donny writes; I answer.

Donald John Trump emailed me. A lot. So I decided to answer. Maybe we’ll become one of those great literary couples known for their letters. Or maybe one of us will get a visit from the FBI.  You never know.

#trump #humor #trumpfunny #deardonny #presientialpenpal #presidentspenpal #comedy

At Least You Still Have Don Jr.

April 18, 2019

Dear Donny:

Congratulations! Your latest best-seller is out! My book club is wading through it. It’s a bit of a tough chew, frankly. Although you can see more of it than we expected. Margery said so much of it was going to be redacted that there’d be one word visible on every page. Her theory is that Attorney General Barr is using the parts you can see to spell out a secret message in code, maybe a love sonnet to you. Is the Secret Service still around? I know the top guy left, and a lot of the people in charge of the Department of Homeland Security are basically temps, but you don’t want to wake up and find Barr standing over you holding a feather and some lotion and saying he wants to debrief you or something.

Of course, like many memoirs, the best parts are left out. Barr said he’d redact a lot of it, and he wasn’t kidding. He doesn’t seem like a kidder. He’s a bit… intense… where you’re concerned. He’s already blacked out stuff that’s currently part of grand jury cases, stuff he thinks relates to ongoing cases or investigations in the Justice Department, and stuff that he thinks might hurt somebody’s reputation. Pretty sure he means you.

It’s one of those “tell-all” books that leave off the most interesting stuff. We’re getting just the dry little bits Barr wants us to have. It looks okay until page 23. I was surprised at the start how little was blacked out. But boy, come page 23, it looks more like you’re looking at a zebra from about six inches away, and page 26 is basically a black page. Okay, I guess, when it comes to regular people, but… Congress? They’re not likely to take “no” for an answer. They’ve put up with a lot, but there must be some things even a Senator won’t put up with.

Barr said you cooperated, but the report says you refused to answer questions. You would think the Attorney General would be well-educated enough to understand what the word “cooperated” means.

Of course, you know all of this. Barr’s been spending more time with you than Melania does. Isn’t he supposed to be America’s attorney, basically, not yours? You have lawyers. You even have Rudy, whatever he is. But Barr just can’t do enough for you. He tells your lawyers stuff he doesn’t even tell Congress. He even told you and your lawyers about the report before Congress got a copy. It’s kind of cute the way he rushes to your defense. His eyes get kind of misty when he talks about you. But it’s wrong. Let him down easy, Donny. Explain that you have so many lawyers protecting you that it’s okay if he just does his job. It makes you look so guilty when America’s attorney has special secrets with your lawyers that he doesn’t tell anyone else.

I’m just hoping my book club doesn’t blow all the fuses in our house. Margery’s notebook is plugged in next to our coffee maker. Rosemary’s Ipad is docked next to the TV. My laptop is jacked in with my electric toothbrush… basically, every appliance in our house is cohabiting with something. A print copy would be easier, but nobody wanted to wait. Lucy is the fastest reader. She got so worked up over something that she circled it in red, then remembered she was reading it on her notepad and swore a blue streak. Margery is making lists of all the places things are blacked out, looking for patterns. Rosemary just keeps mumbling, “What the fuck?” a lot.

I know you’re waiting to hear what everyone thinks. It’s been a long time since you had a hit. Congratulations – this is likely to outsell anything you’ve ever done! You’ve done three years of build-up, so it’s got a guaranteed audience. I bet there are a lot of people right there in Washington going over it. It’s 400 pages, so even Lucy is going to take time to finish it. I think we should read it once, y’know, fast, to get it over with, then re-read it slower to let it sink in. There’s a lot here.

So far, there’s a lot of stuff I can’t find. Russia interfered with our election. With another coming up next year, that’s big news. What has been done to fix that? The report concludes that “The Russian government interfered in the 2016 presidential election in sweeping and systematic fashion.” If you were doing anything about it, it should have been in this report, y’know, as proof you weren’t okay with a foreign country influencing our Presidential election. You never talk about it.

It is nice that you won’t be facing obstruction of justice charges, but it kind of looks like they’re saying they can’t charge you because you’re nuts. I mean, it’s obstruction if you intend it to be obstruction, but if you’re too stupid or crazy to mean it that way, it’s not. At least, not enough so they can charge you. While it’s got to be great to know they aren’t going to charge you with that, it can’t be easy to have people say you’re too dumb or screwy to commit a crime. Rosemary says it makes it sound like you’re so dumb you can’t be charged with jaywalking because you don’t understand the cars can hurt you. Lucy asked if someone who is that messed up should be President and Donny, I didn’t know what to say.

Barr tried to say it differently. Y’know, sympathetic. Although, if it were up to him, there wouldn’t be a report at all. That’s kind of scary. They’ve shown that a foreign government influenced your election, but if American’s attorney had his way, nobody even would have looked into it. That’s what I mean when I say he loves you too much, Donny.

You don’t read a lot, I know (look at some of the stuff you said is in the Bible), but this report has your name all over it! I did see one part that isn’t blacked out that you definitely want to read. On page 37 it talks about how the Russians “organized and promoted political rallies inside the United States while posing as U.S. Grassroots activists.” Next time you’re at a rally, Donny, look around. Those cheering people? A lot of them aren’t cheering you for the reason you think they are. If Putin told them to, they’d cheer a goat. If the boss tells you to cheer, you cheer – especially a boss who tends to disappear people, or make them turn blue and fall over.

Thank Barr next time you see him (and you know you will. Is he with you right now? I bet he is!). Page 38 is really easy reading. It’s just one big, black box. I just barely stopped Lucy from throwing her pad against the wall, but I appreciate it. There’s still plenty to read! This is fascinating, Donny! We haven’t had such a great behind-the-scenes look at a President since Richard Nixon.

I don’t think we’re going to really know what’s going on until your tax returns come out and Bob Mueller talks to Congress. Are you releasing those soon, or waiting until October for early holiday buying? I still say there’s money to be made from a boxed set. Are you going on a book tour? I’d love to get a signed copy, plus we could get together for lunch or something. My book club really wants to meet you. Not as much as Barr wants to spend time with you. Nobody could love you the way he does. But they do want to talk to you about the report. Especially Margery.

Just leave Barr back in Washington. He makes me nervous.

Sincerely,

Your Pen Pal

April 9, 2019

Dear Donny

I’m so sorry that you’ve lost another member of your cabinet! When does her book come out? It seems like people work for you for a little while, quit, and write a book. You’re doing more for literacy in the United States than anybody. Don’t tell Betsy DeVos, though. I get the feeling she isn’t exactly a big fan of reading, so heading up the Department of Education must be enough of a strain for her as it is. If she feels like she has to quit and write a book, she might crack.

It must hurt to lose Kirstjen Nielsen. She was in charge of Homeland Security. If there’s one department you want stable leadership in, that would be it. Right now, you’re averaging one a year.

I know you’re a brilliant businessman, so you know that when you shake up the leadership all of the time, it makes things unstable and makes it harder to get anything done. I admit I’m not sure what your thinking is here. You’ve had multiple Chiefs of Staff and Press Secretaries and such. About the time they learn where the bathrooms are and the best lunch places, they’re gone. This makes the 15th one to leave. I’m sure this is part of some brilliant plan, but most of us aren’t in on it.

They say it’s lonely at the top, and that must be true. So many of the people in charge of important things are either “acting” people who keep the chair warm until you hire, or just… chairs. You’d think there would be crowds of talented, ambitious people eager to work for a famous businessman who is also the President of the United States. I’m sorry you have so much trouble keeping people. I don’t like the idea of you wandering the White House alone, just you and that scary red button and a Big Mac.

If you get lonely, send Air Force One and I’ll come to Washington and keep you company. I’m trying not to eat too much fast food, but I don’t mind nipping down to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. We could play Scrabble! I know you know all of the best words, but you can afford to let me win once in a while. We’re all supposed to be doing so much winning we get tired of it, right? I’m not there yet.

Looks like there’s a shakeup in the Secret Service, too, and you definitely shouldn’t be alone. Bill Barr has me concerned. He seems to like you too much. If you want, I’ll bring my dog. I know you don’t have one, and you should have someone to keep you safe. I’m sure Melania is the girl you want to have your back in a fight, but she might not want to get her nails messed up, and I’m never sure where your kids are or what they’re up to.

The way things are going, it’s going to end up being just you and Bill Barr, like some creepy stalker movie, and we don’t want that. Just let me know when to be at the airport. It’s not healthy to be so alone. If Bill tries to kiss you, throw a MAGA hat into the bushes and while he’s getting it, RUN!

Sincerely,

Your Pen Pal

April 6, 2019

Dear Donny:

How are you? I thought I should check in and see how you’re doing. You were so cheerful when Bill Barr gave his book report on the Mueller investigation. You thought he exonerated you! It’s got to be so disappointing to find out the truth.

Even Bill Barr stopped short of saying the report “exonerates” you. He said there was insufficient evidence to charge you. Not exactly a ringing endorsement. And he was just boiling down over 300 pages into four pages. When you write the book report, it’s not supposed to be as long as the book, so you pick and choose what to put in it, and Barr did his best. Maybe you expected more from him. You did appoint him, after all, so he’s not exactly independent. And he did qualify for the job by writing that he wouldn’t dare accuse a President of a lot of stuff that would probably be a straight-up crime if I did it, or most people did it, or you did it before you were elected. But even Barr didn’t “exonerate” you, and clearly, he loves you. A lot. You do keep those Secret Service officers close, right?

Anyway, it’s time to release the Mueller report, Donny. You said you wanted the public to read it, and a lot of people are eager to do just that. Barr’s book report just didn’t do it justice. People who have seen it are saying he missed the point of the whole book. If you ask, I’m sure Barr would release it. He’d do anything for you!

And get someone to explain what “exonerates” means. I don’t think it means what you think it does.

The House has formally requested your tax returns. It’s not nice to say “I told you so,” so I won’t. But you’re the first Presidential candidate not to release those in decades, and people noticed. There are certain things that come with running for President. Pardoning a turkey. The Easter Egg roll on the White House lawn. People poking their noses into your business, because your business is now our business. You started running for re-election the day you were elected, so now it’s even more past time to get it over with.

Oooh! You could release a boxed set! The Mueller Report and your tax returns! I bet people would form book clubs for the express purpose of reading that. I know I would! You could ship it with one of those leftover MAGA hats. Auction off signed copies (I really bet there are some people who would love to get a copy of that stuff with your original signature on it!).

And you could use that boost of popularity. It would make you feel better. After all, you’ve said all along you didn’t do anything wrong and you want the public to see that report. This would prove it, wouldn’t it?

I wouldn’t let Barr handle that, btw. His deep affection for you would lead him to redact all over it, which would be messy and make you look guilty. Just give him a kiss, tell him he’s a good boy, and let someone who isn’t so nervous about trying to make you look good handle it.

Waiting eagerly for my copy,

Your Pen Pal

March 29, 2019

Dear Donny:

You must be so happy about the Mueller Report… well, Barr’s review of the report. Nobody’s seen the actual report. You said you wanted the report released publicly. Did you forget to tell Barr? Please give him a tweet and remind him. Lots of people want to read it. Some of them are even lawyers, or members of Congress! Anyway, congratulations! Mueller didn’t exonerate you (who told you he did? Not Rudy, I hope), but nobody showed up at the golf course to haul you away in chains, so good news!

I know you’re celebrating, but watch what you drink before you get out in public. You said the Democrats want to take away our airplanes and our… cows. Cows? I don’t own a cow. Most people don’t. But if you aren’t careful, people will start feeling the need to buy cows while they still can. Look at what happens every time the NRA blows smoke about someone taking away guns. You could start a cow panic. This is a bad idea, especially for people in cities. Some people don’t even pick up after their little dogs. Can you imagine if they had cows? Gives a whole new meaning to the word “stockpile.”

Dems haven’t said anything about taking away our right to own cows. I don’t recall anything in the Constitution guaranteeing a right to own cows, but there’s nothing in there saying you can’t. I say, if you can safely handle and store your cow, you should be able to own one. Your neighbors have the right to know you keep your cows safely contained where they won’t be a problem for others, and that you know how to properly use a cow (rule #1, don’t milk the guys. Doesn’t go well).

Maybe there could be some kind of test and you could register your cow? You know, so if your house (well, it’s not YOUR house, since you live in public housing right now, but the idea still applies) catches fire, the fire fighters know if they’re going to face panicking cows once they go in. There are a lot of good reasons to register your cow.

If you’re worried, you should buy some cows. You could keep them on your golf courses. Buy a lot of cows while you can. Just be careful who you buy from. Don’t buy a cow from Devin Nunes. He has a cow he’s really afraid of. I guess his cow likes to talk smack about the boss (don’t we all? I bet people at the White House do it all the time). He’s suing his cow.

But talking smack about the boss is about the most American thing ever. And it is in the Constitution (you’d think Devin would know that. Isn’t he connected to the government somehow?). It doesn’t say free speech is guarantee to everybody but cows. There’s a principle involved. But cows don’t have much money, so maybe Devin thinks the cow won’t defend itself in court? The courts and free speech don’t belong just to rich people. If you want to donate to support Devin Nunes’ Cow, just search for @DevinCow on Twitter.

Send me pictures of your cows, when you get them! I know you’ve had some trouble keeping staff. Maybe the cows could pitch in. I’m not sure if cows could run the government or not, but at least they won’t do as much damage as some of the people you’ve had so far!

All the best,

Your Pen Pal

March 25, 2019

Dear Donny:

How is life in the White House? Congratulations on the Mueller report! I saw where you said it completely exonerated you. That’s great! Only… the Attorney General said, “While this report does not conclude that the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him.” So it did stuff, but “exonerate” wasn’t one of them.

Still, it’s got to be a relief to see that Mueller found insufficient evidence to charge you with treason. “Insufficient evidence” isn’t “innocent,” but it beats “guilty” by a mile, so I’m happy for you! On top of that, it netted crooks like Cohen and Manafort. I bet you were surprised to find out you were surrounded by shady people!

Things are okay here. Our puppy is almost completely housebroken. We thought we’d reached “completely,” but then we had a big rainstorm and found out she still pees in the house when it’s raining. Normally, I wouldn’t mention peeing to the President of the United States, but I know you aren’t squeamish about things like pee. In fact, I bet you can relate! Not that a puppy is the same as a daughter, but I saw in the news that Ivanka peed in the house, so to speak, and even worse than our puppy did! She and Jared have been using private email accounts and WhatsApp to conduct official government business!

Wow, that has got to be embarrassing for you. If our puppy has an “accident,” we have to clean it up, which isn’t fun, but what do you do when your daughter does the exact same thing you shouted at Hillary Clinton for? You can’t even say Ivanka didn’t know. Worse yet, Jared did it, too! I’d recommend the cleanser we use, but I don’t think even the stuff with enzymes would clean up this mess.

You must be so upset! When our puppy piddles in the house, we don’t take it personally, but then she hasn’t been listening to us yell at some other dog about piddling for years. I thought you and Ivanka were close. Doesn’t she listen to you? You talk about Hillary Clinton and her emails even now, so Ivanka and Jared have to know how strongly you feel about such things.

They asked Jared if he shared confidential information that way, and Donny… he didn’t say “no.” He didn’t really answer the question. That does not look good. You had better explain to Jared that evasiveness just makes you look guilty.

Actually, using the app and private email accounts isn’t illegal, so long as you preserve all of the messages. There’s a whole law about it, which I know you know, because you yelled about Hillary not doing that. Which is why I hate to tell you, but… it looks like Ivanka didn’t follow the law.

I really get the feeling people don’t tell you important things you need to know, because you never seem to really know what’s going on. Which is why I’m letting you know that it looks like a bunch of your people haven’t been following the law. There’s Ivanka, Jared, Stephen Miller, Reince Priebus, and Gary Cohn, so far, all doing something you told the whole world you think is absolutely unacceptable under any conditions.

If we’d walked our puppy around town and yelled at every single dog we saw about peeing in the house, there’s no way she could claim she didn’t know that was a problem. Well, except for her being a dog. When you yell, they mostly just think you’re barking. But Ivanka isn’t a puppy, and can’t claim she didn’t understand.

That has got to be embarrassing. Looks like you’ve got a lot of yelling to do, with so many puppies peeing on your rug. Maybe I should send you a gallon jug of Pee-B-Gone, just in case? If they’re anything like our puppy, once you start shouting at them, you’re going to need it.

Your Pen Pal

March 20, 2019

Dear Donny:

So much seems to be going on in Washington! There seems to be a lot of drama. I bet it’s hard for you to find some quiet time to concentrate on Presidenting.

I’m so sorry you aren’t getting along with Kellyanne Conway’s husband, George. You said people call him Mr. Kellyanne Conway. Why?  She got the name Conway when she married him. Her maiden name is Fitzpatrick. As insults go, it’s not exactly “A” material. Good thing you have a job.

He said you were crazy! Wow! Of course, if you fire his wife, it just makes you look thin-skinned, so you’re probably stuck with both of them. That’s the great thing about free speech. He gets to call you a narcissist nut, and you get to insult him by implying that people know he’s married to Kellyanne.

Speaking of  thin-skinned… Maybe you should buy Devin Nunes a download of Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off.” His birthday isn’t until October, but I don’t think you should wait. He’s suing someone who is claiming to be a cow. It seems pretty silly for a member of Congress to sue a cow, let alone a fake cow. He has a dairy, so you’d think he’d know. Do people sue cows? Is this a thing? What do you get if the cow loses?

Of course, Devin seems a bit vague on the dairy thing. He talks a lot about his family farm in California, but it seems that they moved the farm to Iowa over a decade ago. Did his family move and not tell him? I hear that happens. I have this sad image in my head of him going back to California for Christmas and standing around in a field saying, “Where are the cows?”

Anybody who takes what random people say on Twitter too seriously needs help, you know that. Look at all of the stuff you post! If I didn’t know you were joking, I’d be very worried about your mental health. Ha ha! Have a chat with Devin. In person, not on Twitter. Devin doesn’t get Twitter.

Although before you explain it, could you ask him to sue me, please? I only have a few Twitter followers. I don’t aspire to “fake cow” levels of fame, but a few more would be nice, and Devin is like a one-man Twitter publicity firm.

I know I’ve been hard on you lately, but I am proud that you said in front of reporters that you want Robert Mueller to complete his investigation and release it all to the public! You really caught me by surprise. From the sound of it, the reporters were a bit surprised, too. Of course, you’ll have to turn over a boatload of papers for Mueller to finish up, and maybe even go in for an interrogation. That’s like an interview, only the reporters have handcuffs handy. Don’t worry about it. I know you don’t have anything to hide. So box up everything and call Robert. Whatever he doesn’t need, Congress would be happy to look at. If you need help moving it all, ask Kellyanne’s husband. I know he doesn’t seem to like you much, but I bet he’d still be happy to help.

Speaking of which… Donny, I don’t care how funny you think she is, that Judge person who was on Fox? PeeRow, or whatever her name is? They were right to let her go. Was she really a judge, like in court, not just a beauty contest judge or something? She said some nasty things about Muslims. Did you know Muslims gave us universities, clocks, coffee, and a bunch of math stuff that makes modern technology possible? If you meet the “judge,” would you please tell her it isn’t pronounced, “Hee-Jab,” like “hee haw.” Even I know that! Also, it’s time to stop insulting Sen. McCain. Didn’t someone tell you? The poor man is dead. It’s not nice to insult dead war heroes. Doesn’t Ivanka tell you anything?

One of these days, I’ll come to Washington and you can show me what Ivanka does all day. Or just give Robert all the papers and I’ll read it like everyone else. You’ll probably end up with another best-seller!

Waiting for my advance copy of your new book! Sincerely,

Your Pen Pal

March 9, 2019

Dear Donny:

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I wrote! You must think I dropped off the face of the Earth (never say that to Vlad Putin, btw. He seems like the sort who would take that literally. If there’s a way to actually drop someone off the face of the Earth, Vlad would know).

Anyway, you probably haven’t had time to miss me, what with the Vietnam talks tanking like a lead kinh khí cầu, and Michael Cohen singing his latest hits for Congress. Wasn’t that fascinating? I bet you were as glued to that as the rest of us. What did Rudy think? Is he still your lawyer? Is he still a lawyer?

Are you still going to run for re-election? It looks like you’re going to be too busy to be President, let alone run to do it again. Congress wants to read everything up to and including shopping lists. And those tax returns. Donny, didn’t I tell you to release those tax returns? Every candidate for President does it. Now if you don’t release them, it looks like you’re trying to hide something. People are waiting to read those like they used to wait for the next Harry Potter book. Expecto taxfraudus! Do you have a patronus, Donny? What is it? I’m kind of picturing a warthog with a spray tan.

It’s almost tax time, Donny… unless you shut the government down again. That was kind of funny the first time, but some jokes are only good once. Have you finished your tax returns for this year? Better get a hop on it. For one thing, you might get a refund. Lots of people are finding out that they aren’t, but I know you made sure you will be. That was what that tax bill was all about, after all.

I saw the photos of you signing Bibles. How did you keep from laughing? I mean, Donny, you… signing a Bible… I love your sense of humor! Did the people there get the joke? It’s always sad when you have to explain a joke. I hope they knew you were kidding.

Which reminds me, April Fool’s Day is coming up in a few weeks. I know how you like to joke, but you might go easy this year. I’m sure everything is calm in the White House. What do you have to worry about? But out here in the real world, nerves are on edge. Remember when you had that press conference where you had stacks of paper you said were documents, only they were blank? Do not try that with the tax returns. If you simply must do something for April Fool’s Day, put whoopie cushions on the benches at the Supreme Court. Or tell Mike Pence that gay people handle his food (statistically, that’s got to be true) and see what he does.

Or maybe just skip it, make some popcorn, and watch whoever ends up testifying to Congress next.

Your Pen Pal

February 20, 2019

Dear Donny:

We’ve been pen pals for some time now. I was so proud when the President of the United States started emailing me! Then when I heard from Melania, your kids, your inlaws… it was heady stuff, even if your family asked for money a lot. I even heard from the Vice President, and they say Mike Pence doesn’t think it’s proper for a man to talk to a woman without his wife present. Wow. That’s sure not a problem for you, Donny! Maybe he doesn’t have your self-control. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I’m your friend, and I make allowances for you. That’s what friends do.

But… the kids, Donny. It looks as though thousands of children, more than we even thought, were separated from their families by your administration. I know you don’t like details. You’re more a big-picture visionary. Well, thousands of little kids taken from their families is a big picture, Donny. A big, ugly, embarrassing picture.

The only ugly picture kids should be associated with is school photos. Some of mine are really bad. Mom used to make me get a perm before a school photo, and dress me in something “respectable,” so I always looked like a wacky neighbor from a black and white tv show. That’s the sort of ugly picture a kid knows he or she will just have to endure. It’s part of childhood, like being asked by every adult you meet how school is going and what you want to do with your life.

But no kid expects to be ripped from his family and thrown into a cage, or given to other people.

It turns out the Office of Refugee Resettlement and the Department of Homeland Security need to be introduced to each other. Time to break out the McDonald’s and the good plates and throw a party. They don’t talk. It’s just not okay that the total number of kids taken from their families and where everyone is still isn’t known. This isn’t pocket change or car keys they’ve lost. And as bad as it looked already, it seems it’s a lot worse – it started earlier and they lost more kids than we thought.

Even worse, it turns out it’s still going on. And it seems that how many kids, exactly, is a number that nobody knows, and they’re not even seriously looking into it because they’re understaffed. The shutdown didn’t help matters at all.

It can be hard to keep tabs on kids. They get into things, they play hide and seek without informing you… but these kids didn’t wander off. We lost them. When you lose a kid, you don’t just throw up your hands and say, “Oh, well, I’m busy, so let’s hope the baby figures out how to get home!” You look. You get help if you need to, and you keep searching until you find them.

The kids, Donny. The kids. Ask Mike where they are. I mean, what does he even do all day? The job can’t be all standing around behind you and smiling. He’s making good money. Let him look for the kids. He can take his wife with him so he doesn’t get into trouble.

I hate to say that I’m angry with you. Let’s say I’m very, very disappointed. But I know you won’t sleep until you find them all, not just because I’m your friend and it upsets me, but because it’s the right thing to do. Once you find them all, I’ll forgive you. That’s what friends do.

Let me know when all the kids are safe. I’ll be waiting to hear.

Your Pen Pal

February 13, 2019

Dear Donny:

How are you? How is Melania? That was some outfit she wore to the State of the Union address! It looked like a dress uniform, but with only one glove. Has she joined the army, or become a Michael Jackson impersonator? Don’t tell her I said that. I’m sure models, even former ones, are picky about what they wear. You might just suggest that while Saddam Hussein’s tailor is probably in need of work, he’s probably not the best guy to choose clothing for the First Lady of the United States. Prada makes some nice clothes (so I hear. I’m sorry to say I can’t afford to shop there).

You used to ask for money a lot, but you don’t any more. I hope that means you’re doing better, financially. Maybe you should take Melania shopping for Valentine’s Day and get her a few nice things. I bet she’d love that. Something a bit less… authoritarian.

Speaking of money and Valentine’s Day, Donny… you know I’m your friend. It hurts me to say anything when you’re off-track, but a true friend tells you when you need to deal with something, and you really do. Someone broke the IRS.

Sure, nobody likes paying taxes, but lots of people pay more than they owe every month, counting on that tax refund in the Spring. For them, it’s like a savings account that doesn’t pay interest, but you know it’ll be there. For the government, it’s like a no-interest loan. Well, many people are not getting the refunds they expected this year. Some are getting no refund at all… in fact, they owe money! Something about how you guys screwed up the tax code.

This is a problem, Donny. First off, those people were counting on those refunds to pay bills, buy things they’ve been putting off buying, or maybe even pay for a little vacation. Stores, restaurants and hotels were counting on them having that money to spend. Taxpayers use that money for all sorts of things from rent to cars. I know you probably don’t have time to watch television much, being President and all, but starting in March you start seeing advertisements for sales and things to spend your refund on, but who’s going to buy all that stuff if they end up paying more in taxes than they expected?

And what refunds there are may be later because of that shutdown. So even people who will get something back, if not what they expected, may not get it for who knows how long. Pretty awful Valentine’s Day gift. Almost as bad as a signed picture of yourself. You’re not giving Melania a selfie, are you? I did warn you about that.

Rich people need more money like Melania needs another signed picture of you. Screwing up the tax code so rich people get more money and everyone else gets less is like making a building taller by adding to the bottom but not paying adding anything to the foundation to support it. Eventually, the top floors become bottom floors when the building falls over.

Being unhappy with the status quo and suspecting the people in Washington didn’t care about working people got you elected – but if people don’t see your gratitude in their paychecks, you won’t be in office much longer.

You’d better tell Melania and the kids to stop making those MAGA hats. They were never very good looking (I don’t think I’ve seen your family in them). You might have trouble unloading the rest of them once people realize those refund checks are smaller, or worse, not coming, or even worse yet, they owe. Check Pinterest for things you can make out of leftover baseball caps. Maybe you could use them as planters? Sew two together and make halter tops? I’m sure Ivanka can come up with something.

I know you’ll fix everything. You said you would and it would be so great we would all get tired of winning so much. I can’t wait until that begins! Is there a start date yet? You can tell me. I won’t tell.

Wishing you all the best and happy Valentine’s Day, Donny,

Your Pen Pal.

February 5, 2019

Dear Donny:

I was surprised to see you on TV giving the “State of the Union” address. The government was shut down much of the year so far. How do you know how the country is doing? Which reminds me… Donny, tell me you didn’t patch the government back together for three weeks just so you could give a speech on television. You didn’t, did you? It’s only patched back together through the day after Valentine’s Day. The shutdown cost our economy $11 billion dollars. Pretty lousy Valentine’s Day gift.

Speaking of Valentine’s Day, what are you getting Melania? It was nice of you to introduce her to the Speaker of the House, but hasn’t she already run into the Vice President at the White House? I know she doesn’t like to spend much time there, and he has a thing about talking to women, but she must have met him once or twice, right? Whatever you get her, make it something other than a framed picture of yourself. Giving someone a framed picture of yourself is almost never a good gift. The time to give someone a picture of yourself is after they’ve asked for one. That is the only time.

We listened to your whole speech. Almost an hour and a half! Wow. There was a lot in it. I guess that’s why there wasn’t a lot of detail about how you would do things. I’m really looking forward to the part where our middle class expands. You are talking about more people in it, not just bigger people, right? Not all of us can survive a steady diet of fast food. How are we going to get more people into the middle class? Economic policy has invested mostly in the top one percent for years.

You said, “Wages are rising at the fastest pace in decades…” Well, not really. See, for most workers, wages aren’t rising despite the rise in employment. Companies should be competing for workers, which should drive wages higher, but it’s just not happening. It’s a thing. Didn’t someone at the Bureau of Labor Statistics tell you? They know. I can’t imagine why they didn’t mention it.

Now, Donny, about the investigation… you brought it up, not me. Honey, didn’t they tell you what they were investigating? There are accusations against people for things that are bordering on treason. Interference with our elections goes right to the heart of democracy. This is big. These people essentially spat on the Founding Fathers. You’re the President, Donny. You should be beating the drum for this harder than anyone. Unless they hold a thorough investigation, no matter what you accomplish, your name will always have an asterisk next to it. Let them dig.

Then you did it, Donny. You told Congress it had ten days to give you your wall. Congress does not respond well to threats. You started off so well, talking about working together and crossing aisles and all, and then you drew a line in the carpet of the House of Representatives. Yes, countries are defined in part by their borders, and have a right to defend them. But ten days, Donny? Remember that $11 billion we lost from the last shutdown? You can’t link funding our government, which is just maintenance, really, and your wall. I know you want that wall. You love the idea of that wall. But you can’t hold the government hostage like that. It hurts people.

And there are a lot of ways to strengthen the border without a wall. What is that “see-through steel barrier” you mentioned? Steel is tough to see through. Are you thinking about that magic steel you can see through that they had on Star Trek? I’d rather have a “replicator,” myself.

Tell you what, you have a birthday in June. If you want, you and Melania can meet us at Home Depot and we’ll get some stuff and build you a wall somewhere. How about through one of your golf courses? See, much of the land where you’d need to build a border wall belongs to someone already. So bring your kids and we’ll get together and build you a wall on some land you own, so nobody can stop you. You said “…walls work, and walls save lives.” That’s kind of true. The right kind of wall in the right place can be a good thing, but in this case, we don’t have a detailed plan for what kind of wall and where. So you have maybe a day to design it and Congress gets a little over a week to go over it and vote and fund the government? If that’s how you build your buildings, the people in the upper floors should be pretty nervous.

I do have a question… you called for anti-abortion legislation. How come you waited until after your party didn’t have control of both houses of Congress to propose that? Your party had control of the White House and both houses of Congress for two years, and you’re only thinking about that now? I understand, I guess. Lots of people have been thinking about what it’s like to realize something after it’s too late.

What was that whole thing about socialism? You do know that’s just an economic theory, right? It’s an idea about how to pay for things. Look at universal health care. Health care is a headache for small and large businesses, costs us productivity, and not having it for every citizen increases our risk of communicable disease. You like to eat out. Don’t you want the people handling your food to see their doctors if they have a little itchy something that won’t go away? If someone’s going to spit in my food, I want him to be healthy. I’m sure that’s a worry you can understand.

I kind of tuned out a bit. I’m sorry. It was a long speech. Not as long as that last shutdown, but long. Maybe next time a shorter speech with more real information and fewer monsters? After more than an hour and a half, what I got from your speech is that things have never been better and we should all be terrified.

Anyway, it has to feel good to have that speech over with. Did you watch the Super Bowl? We kind of watched it for a bit, did something else, and came back. Even if you didn’t watch it, though, remember that somebody won it, and is probably expected to be invited to the White House. Another reason to avoid shutting down the government again, so you can serve them something other than fast food. But if you do shut down the government again, send for me and I’ll teach you and Melania how to put squeezy cheese on crackers. Barron can help us put little bits of bell pepper on the squeezy cheese. Makes it look more fancy.

The one good thing about the State of the Union address is that it reminds you that the union is still there. Please don’t muck that up, Donny. Government is like a stepladder. There are certain things that would be hard, or even dangerous, to do without one. I’m too old and out of shape to join the military, or chase drug dealers, and I wouldn’t even know where to start if you wanted me to make sure the milk supply is safe. I could maybe help with the paperwork for mortgage loans, but I can’t afford to insure them all. So whatever you do, don’t break the government again. You still have one more “State of the Union” address to do, and it would be nice to have a union to talk about the state of.

Good luck with Valentine’s Day. Remember – a selfie is not a gift.

Your Pen Pal

January 30, 2019

Dear Donny:

Hi! Thanks for slapping our government back together for a few weeks. How’s the deal going? Three weeks isn’t much time to fix all of this.

People have been saying very mean things about you, so I just want to thank you for doing something important for your country. Thanks for all you are doing for literacy in the U.S. Donny, it seems like everyone who works for you writes a book after leaving. You must be so proud! The White House has turned into a publishing house. People who work for you can’t wait to tell the world everything they see, hear or smell.

True, they’re not exactly lining up to pay you compliments, but still, you are the muse of American letters. Amazon says there are 10,000 results for books with your name in the title! You’ve said you don’t read much, Donny, and I believe you, but you sure seem to inspire people to write.

And it’s only been two years! Imagine what they’ll have to say after another two years. The mind boggles… but then, it seems as though a lot of minds have been pretty well boggled for a while now. We’re getting used to it.

Hope you’re getting some sleep while you’re trying to patch the government back together on a more permanent basis.  One tip: if you have Nancy Pelosi over,  spring for a decent lunch, or at least make sure you keep her fries under the warmer. Cold McDonald’s fries don’t win anyone over. If that’s not in your book about making deals, it should be.

All the best,

Your Pen Pal

January 23, 2019

Dear Donny:

Hi! How are things going at the White House? I hear a lot of the staff isn’t there, since they aren’t being paid and all. How are you getting by? We’ve never had anyone else cleaning our house, but I can see where a person could get to like that. If you need any housekeeping tips, just let me know. I’m not a great housekeeper, but I bet I know more than you do. I mean, you had people over and served them fast food? At the White House, Donny? It’s time someone told you about the freezer section at the grocery store. They make little finger foods that come frozen. You just heat them up and put them on your good platter and let people think you made them. Just make sure you take the boxes to the trash before the company comes.

I read the whole thing about the State of the Union speech. It’s hard to believe it’s time for that again. Sometimes it feels like you’ve been President for a hundred years already. I bet it’s nothing like you imagined. I heard Speaker Pelosi is telling you to just put it off until you have a government to be President of again, or send them a letter. What a great idea!

Donny, the #1 fear of most people is public speaking. You hate Congress, and they’re not all that fond of you (even a lot of the Republicans are people who said you getting elected would be the end of the world. It’s amazing how much they seem to love you now, but you know you can’t trust people who talk smack about you, then say you’re great just to get stuff). You guys aren’t even able to work together well enough to keep the doors open and the lights on. If you just send a letter, you can spare yourself having to think of something to say, and change out of your golf togs, and you won’t be interrupting the shows on tv. Lots of people are already mad at you, and people really hate it when anything interrupts television.

If you need help writing your speech, I would be happy to help! How about something like this:

“Dear Everybody:

It’s really hard to admit when you’ve made a mistake, but a big man has to be able to admit when he’s wrong, and I, Donald Trump, am the biggest man. I am the biggest man ever, and I make the biggest mistakes, so when I apologize, I have to apologize bigly.

When I, Donald Trump, decided to shut down lots of the United States government, I was acting like a spoiled toddler holding his breath until the country turns blue. It was a mistake. The biggest mistake. There are people who showed up to work and tried to do their jobs for years who now have to go to food banks to feed themselves and their families, and that is my fault. I am embarrassed. I am the most embarrassed President ever.

So to prove I, Donald Trump, am the biggest President the world has ever had, I am going to make sure those people get paid and come back to work. Without them, I am not in charge of as big a government as Obama, and we can’t have that.

Also, in case anyone knows anyone on the Clemson University football team, please tell them Donald Trump is bringing the White House chef and all the kitchen staff back. I will have the team back for a proper dinner like the President of the United States should offer people when they come to the White House. If the chef won’t come back, I’ll go to the grocery store. My pen pal is going to teach me to make pigs in blankets and squeezy cheese on crackers, and show Melania how to heat up frozen meatballs. I’ll put them on the good plates.

And while I’m proving what a big President I, Donald Trump, am, tell the transgendered people who want to be in our military that I’m sorry about the ban thing. What was I thinking? If someone is willing to fight and die for our country, only an idiot would tell them no because of what is a personal issue. Very personal. So personal it is nobody else’s business. Including mine.

When I do something stupid, I do the stupidest things ever, so I get to be the most embarrassed ever, so I end up being the sorriest President ever. But I am a big President, and I can admit when I am maybe not especially completely correct, although it’s not my fault. It’s never my fault. Even when I do it.

Congratulations on getting such a big apology from the biggest President in the world.

Donald J. (put the “J” in there, Donny. Makes it sound classy) Trump

January 16, 2018

Dear Donny:

How’s your golf swing? I hope all that Presidenting doesn’t get in the way of your golf game!

Haven’t heard from you in a while. Did someone take me off of your email list? Bet it was Pence. He doesn’t like men having anything to do with women. I wonder how he got those kids? Or maybe you’re just so busy Presidenting that you don’t have time to write at the moment, which I completely understand. I hear that Presidenting is hard work, if you do it right, or even if you do it wrong but you do a lot of it, I guess.

Things here are okay-ish. The government is still sort of closed, although I hear they’re forcing the people at the IRS to come back and work without pay. You might want to rethink that one, Donny. Do you really want unhappy people who resent not getting paid going over your tax returns? They did explain that even the President of the United States still has to file a tax return, I hope. I’m never sure just how much people tell you about what’s going on.

Some of the Senators and Representatives like the shutdown. They think it’s really great, because they would like to get rid of the government altogether, and a shutdown is almost like that. I’ve always wondered why someone who doesn’t like the government would run for office. They do realize that if they win, they’re part of the government, don’t they? You can only be an outsider if you’re outside. Once you’re inside, you’re an insider. Honestly, Donny, sometimes I wonder about the average intelligence in Congress.

Everybody thinks we should at least cut back on the government, although cutting back on the government is like trying to clean house if you don’t live alone. Nobody agrees on what’s unnecessary. I know someone who got married and had to get rid of his neon beer sign, because his wife didn’t think it looked good in the house. They eventually sold it. I wonder if Brett Kavanaugh bought it? You might look for it next time you go to his house.

It used to be you almost never heard about shutting down the government, except by anarchists. If you had suggested it, people would have thought you were nuts. Now, it’s like something a toddler says when he’s having a tantrum, “I want a wall, or I’ll hold my breath until the government shuts down!” Government run by toddlers seems like a bad idea. We don’t let them run anything else. A person who isn’t developed enough to understand that Mr. Clown doesn’t disappear when he goes back into the Jack-in-the-box doesn’t seem like a good candidate for leadership. If you shut down the government but you bring people back to work, you have to pay them. That’s pretty basic. I’ve heard some things from people in Congress, even in your own White House, that make me worry they spend their days playing Peek-a-boo and being shocked when there’s a person behind the hands.

Remember those farmers who got hit by the tariffs you put in place? They were promised emergency aid. But they can’t get it — the department they have to apply to is one of those in the shutdown. It’s that kind of Big Detail Missing that has people worried about what’s in the water you guys are drinking in D.C. You’re probably concerned about that, too — but don’t try calling the EPA. Maybe you can buy a testing kit at the hardware store?

And there are a lot of people who work for the federal government who can’t pay make their rent, or mortgage payments, or spend money on, well, much of anything. So the people who depend on getting that money can’t buy other stuff, and so on.

But you’re an amazing business person, Donny, so you know all of this. That’s what’s so great about having you in charge.

Well, here’s hoping it all gets resolved soon. Give my best to Melania, if you see her. Not Pence, though. It’s probably best if he doesn’t know we’re still in touch. He gets weird about things like that.

Sincerely,

Your Pen Pal

We’re #1… We’re #1…

January 9, 2019

Dear Donny:

How’s your new year starting out? Out here in the real world, you know, where un-famous people live, things are very confusing. First off, there’s this government shutdown. I have to ask… before you were sworn in, did anyone tell you what “job #1” is for people in D.C.? In case they didn’t… it’s keeping the government up and running. Didn’t anyone give you a pamphlet or something when you took the job?

I read that this is the second-longest government shutdown in our history. Donny, please tell me you aren’t keeping this up because you want to be number one! This is a contest with no prize, sweetie. If you win a race to jump head-first into the outhouse, nobody envies you.

The people who are telling you to keep this up must be… I hate to call anyone “stupid,” but… “thinking challenged.” The reason we have a federal government is that it’s too time-consuming to do all the stuff that needs doing by ourselves. If you drive somewhere to get to work, you don’t have time to surface the road yourself on the way. Of course, you live where you work, and someone has always driven you around, but… look, Donny, if the roads aren’t maintained, your chauffeur can’t get you to the golf course.

While a quarter of our government is MIA, those things that need doing don’t get done. Farmers have trouble getting the subsidies they were counting on, people trying to get loans to buy houses have to wait, and garbage stacks up in the national parks.

I realize you don’t exactly visit our national parks. When I try to picture you, Melania, Ivanka and the rest camping, or sitting around roasting hot dogs, it’s pretty funny, but lots of people really do that. Spring is almost here. You’re leaving the national parks to illegal pot farmers and letting things pile up in the trash cans and porta-potties. Not the legacy you want, “Trump 2020 – If You Go To A Park, Bring Your Hazmat Suit!”

And whoever told you that federal workers support you holding them, and their families, hostage in return for that wall (oh Donny, that wall! You need another hobby, honey) was… look, I know you can be, let’s say… creative… with the truth now and again, but the person who told you those people are happy to be without their paychecks is nuttier than a squirrel turd.

TSA agents, for example, who can’t afford to work for free have to call in sick and do something else for money. You can’t blame them, but how does that help national security? I’m sure you’re not taking a single cent of your pay, since the only reason the government is limping is that you put a rock in its shoe, then stepped on its foot. But lots of people can’t afford to go without a paycheck.

Anything that’s bad for the economy of workers is probably bad for the economy as a whole. That makes sense, right? They’ve adjusted the GDP down. That’s how good all of this is for the economy. And the effects take time to repair. When you slow something as big as the economy of the United States, it doesn’t get back up to speed overnight.

All for that wall. That infamous, imaginary, ridiculous wall… Donny, if you want something silly that won’t achieve what you’re trying for, let us buy you a new toupee. We’ll buy you a truckload of them. Nicer than you have now. Honey, how can someone who says he has great taste put a rug on his head that looks like someone found a way to grow mold on a basketball? Is your eyesight going? Even if we bought you a new toupee for every day of the year, then bought one for every man, woman, child and pet hamster in the country, it would be a lot cheaper and accomplish just as much. Mexico might even chip in for that. We’ll make all of them blonde. If every person in the United States was blonde, you’d love that, admit it.

Here’s something else I’m wondering… when the government is out of business, are you still President? That’s sort of like being the Emperor of Nothing. Grand Poobah of Doo-dah.

And Donny, all of this won’t make people forget about the Mueller probe. It just won’t. Lighting fires doesn’t help divert attention if there’s already a Fire Marshall staring at you.

Promise you’ll think about those toupees, Donny. They’d be really nice ones with extra-strong adhesive. I promise.

Your Pen Pal

December 26, 2018

Dear Donny:

How was your Christmas? Did you get anything you wanted? I hope you weren’t waiting for Santa to bring you a wall and a pardon. He couldn’t possibly lift the kind of wall you want without getting a hernia, and I don’t think even Santa could talk Robert Mueller into forgetting about the investigation. But hopefully you got a nice tie, or a new toupee.

I saw where you told a seven-year-old girl that her belief in Santa Claus was “marginal” and that her parents had been lying to her. God only knows what Santa Claus told her about you, but apparently she’s still putting out cookies. Make of that what you will.

Some of my friends work for the government, and they were hoping Santa would get their jobs back, but no luck. The government shutdown continues. Is there anything you can do about that? I saw where you said that many government workers told you to keep the government shut down until you got your wall, but who are these people, and how many is “many?” The ones I know have bills to pay and just want to get back to work. You must know different government workers than I do.

We need the government up and working. I know you don’t like that there’s a government, even though you’re sort of in charge of it right now, but the government does stuff, like build roads and train soldiers, that we can’t do individually. I wouldn’t know where to start if you wanted me to track an epidemic and organize a response. Would you? There’s a government agency that does that.

Home loans for veterans, making sure people with a lot of cows have to keep their poo out of the drinking water, trying to clean up the air, getting money to scientists searching for treatments for diseases… there are government people who do a bunch of stuff we need done. I used to know a guy whose whole job was making sure nobody spent the public’s tax money on things they shouldn’t. He worked long hours, making people who didn’t want to talk to him show him records they didn’t want to, all so there would be more money to clean up toxic sludge and less money going to parties for politicians. Most government employees do thankless jobs, and we need them at work.

Speaking of which, how’s the hunt for staff for your own office going? I keep seeing where people have quit. And other people saying they don’t want those jobs. Why wouldn’t someone want to work at the White House? Maybe some of my friends who are furloughed right now from the shutdown could work for you? They’d have to get paid, though.

Are you still getting paid, even though the government’s partly shut down? It seems like you wouldn’t be. After all, you’re the person who shut it down, so you’re the first guy who wouldn’t get a paycheck, right? It’s the principle of the thing. I bet you’re not accepting any pay right now, are you? It wouldn’t be fair to shut down part of the government and then take a full check for managing a government that’s smaller than it should be. That’s a big part of your job, after all, keeping the government up and running.

I hope that didn’t make your holidays too disappointing. Lots of people know what it’s like not to have money at Christmas, but I get the feeling your family really isn’t the sort to make merry on macaroni and cheese. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of a single thing you could make Melania with your own hands that she would like. Since she knows about those ladies you had to pay money to, she probably doesn’t want anything to do with your hands at all. So your holidays probably weren’t much fun.

And here come the Democrats, which has to have you worried. So many new Democrats in the House of Representatives! That had to be a shock. But there is a silver lining, Donny… you are about to feel like the most fascinating man on the face of the Earth. There is no detail about you, however small, that they don’t want to know. They’ll be sitting around like little kids at story time, waiting eagerly for Robert Mueller to tell them every single thing he’s found out.

It’s not that often that so many people are this anxious to hear every little detail about a guy in his 70s. And if you decide to tell them about yourself, you’re guaranteed an audience that will hang on your every word. Maybe that’s not the best way to put it, but you know what I mean. Enjoy it while it lasts!

Happy new year, Donny – Your Pen Pal

Dec. 19, 2018

Dear Donny:

I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch. We went on vacation. Not to our exclusive golf course, like you do (we don’t have one… it would be nice, though. Most golf courses are like big parks with occasional holes in them and very tiny beaches). We went on the sort of vacation lots of people go on. We went to theme parks.

Which brings up an uncomfortable subject. But because I’m your friend, I have to tell you. If you had toilet paper stuck to your shoe, or your breath smelled like you ate a road-killed skunk, it would be my responsibility to let you know, even though it was awkward, right? So this is like that.

We went to a theme park… let’s call it Whee World. They have this thing with robot presidents. It’s cooler than it sounds. A little history presentation (if you get a chance, you really should watch it. Some guy once said that people who don’t pay attention to history get to do it all over again, or something like that), then robots of the presidents make little speeches. Well, some do. There have been a lot of presidents. Really it’s the big ones that get to speak. Washington, Lincoln, one of the Roosevelts, I think… anyway, you’ll be happy to know that you’re one of the ones that talks.

It’s a bit of your inauguration speech, I think. As such speeches go, it was okay. Not exactly a rousing call, more of a “they want me to say a few words at the convention” sort of speech. And your robot looks a bit odd. Like a circus clown who had to go onstage before he finished all of his makeup. It’s not that it didn’t look like you. Really, Donny, it’s time to stop using the tanning bed. You’re a very pale white guy. Make your peace with it. Anyway, it was interesting to see the reactions in the audience as each president was announced. Big cheers for Washington and Lincoln, of course, but also for JFK, Teddy Roosevelt and FDR. A nice round of applause for Obama. You’ll be glad to know you got some applause, too…

also some hearty laughter and a fair number of boos. You were the only one to get that reaction, Donny. Maybe because that was the day that it came out that people you hired said you let Russia influence our elections. They said you directed it. And there are questions about how involved you still are with your businesses, allegations that you trade influence for money.

This toilet paper isn’t stuck to your shoe, Donny. It’s hanging out of your pants like a tail, and everyone can see it.

Donny, I don’t want to believe it. Lots of people want to believe you didn’t do it, or didn’t understand what you were doing when you let foreign governments help determine the outcome of our election. But if you didn’t understand what you were doing, why didn’t you? If you hired someone who didn’t know anything about the business, and then he didn’t work his butt off to learn everything he needed to know, and he let somebody steal from the company because they somehow fooled you into hiring him, then he told you he didn’t know enough about his job, or the business, to realize that was a problem, you’d fire him, wouldn’t you? And probably call the cops on him.

Donny, it’s Christmas time. New Year’s Day is right around the corner. A time for new beginnings. Endings can be beginnings, too. Off with the old and on with the new, and all that. It’s time to retire. Just because I can’t think of a sitting U.S. President who ever decided to just quit doesn’t mean it isn’t an option. There’s no shame in quitting something if you really aren’t good at it. It’s just not for you.

I hate seeing you digging yourself into a deep hole, then trying to get out of it by digging it deeper. You won’t do well in jail, Donny, and the way you’re going, jail might be your most attractive option. But if you retire? Maybe, just maybe, if you tell them all you know about how it happened, so they can do something to reduce the chance of it happening again, and tell your family and staff to tell all they know, it’s just possible you’ll be allowed to retire so long as you stay out of politics.

You’ve been threatening to shut down the government if you don’t get billions for that wall you want so much, the one that you promised Mexico would pay for, and everybody knows you’re really only harping about it because you hope to distract them, but Donny, it won’t work. If you set fire to the house, you can’t keep people from noticing by pointing at the mailbox. They’ll still notice the house is on fire.

You’ll be glad to know that the Mueller investigation is paying its own way, at least. It’s cost $25 million so far, (the Ken Starr investigation of the Clintons cost over $70 million, and didn’t make it back – that’s the way these things usually go). So far, they’ve gotten the crooks to agree to pay over $40 million. So don’t worry about the cost. We might even make a few dollars off the whole thing.

At the very least, it’s not costing us anything yet, and is likely to be far less expensive than the Starr investigation. It’s possible they won’t ask you to return the money you got for anything shady you’ve done, if you tell them everything and go home quietly. Try to look repentant, Donny. Prison is, so I hear, very uncomfortable.

Wishing You An Un-incarcerated Christmas,

Your Pen Pal

Donny… what?!?

November 19, 2018

Dear Donny:

I’m so sorry I missed you! I didn’t know you were coming to California to squint at the wreckage. Why didn’t you tell me? We could have met at the Salvation Army tent for coffee.

Someone did show me your speech though. Very presidential. Presidents have a long history of visiting disaster sites, frowning a lot and leaving. Thanks for not throwing toilet paper at the survivors this time (or was it paper towels? I just remember seeing you throwing things at a group of survivors after a previous disaster. Whatever it was, thanks for not lobbing it at people. It’s impossible to find breathing masks, shelter and… let’s just say it’s not a good time to startle Californians right now). I only have a few questions.

You said we need to take care of the floors. You do know you were standing in front of a building that had been burned out. There are thousands of buildings that are just gone. I guess, technically, some of them have floors, but… I hate to criticize, Donny, but if you don’t have walls or a roof, does it matter how clean the floor is?

Then you referred to cleaning the floors in the forest. Um… Donny… I know you like your outdoors manicured. Your idea of wilderness is the “rough” on the golf course, but honestly, Donny, it’s confusing when you say we should be cleaning the floors in the forest. First off, who is supposed to be doing that? The Park Rangers don’t have time to mop the dirt. Do you want just regular people to go out and start sweeping? How do we get there? There aren’t enough people within walking distance to clean it all. And a lot of it is remote and mountainous. Too far to hike there, rake up, and hike back home for dinner. Are you picturing people hiking up a mountain, raking all day, then nodding off in the wilderness? You’d better come with us. There are mountain lions and bears, after all, and you swore to protect and defend us.

There are about 33 million acres of forest in California. The feds own 19 million acres, so do your stretches, Donny. Sweeping can be hard on the back. Some is owned by corporations and some wealthy private owners. They can spend those tax cuts you gave them and clean their floors. That still leaves quite a bit to sweep, but I’m sure once we see how you want us to do it, we’ll understand.

How is it supposed to work? Rakes or brooms? What sort? As soon as you show us how you’re picturing it working, we’ll get to it, but it would be helpful if you came back and demonstrated exactly what you have in mind. You never seemed like the guy who knew the business end of a rake or broom. The narrow end goes up. That’s the handle.

And what do we do with the animals? I hate to spring this on you with all you have to deal with right now, but “Snow White” wasn’t a documentary. You can sing and whistle until your mouth is dry and not one mouse or bird is going to help you sweep the forest.

Where are we taking the stuff we sweep up? I don’t know if you know this, Donny, but after you sweep, you have to do something with what you sweep up. Pretty sure you’ve never cleaned a floor, indoors or outdoors, but I’m sure you’ve watched other people work. Have you ever watched the maids and janitors? What did you think they did with the stuff they swept up? You do know they don’t eat it, right? Or make it disappear with magic? So after we sweep up 33 million acres, that’s going to be a big pile of junk. I have absolute confidence in you, though. If anyone knows his way around a big pile of junk, it’s you, Donny.

One last question, Donny, and I’ll let you go.

How do you know when the dirt is clean?

November 7, 2018

Dear Donny:

You’re probably taking a day off from social media, since the election was yesterday, but I thought I’d send an email anyway, since that’s our habit. I don’t want you to think I’m not talking to you. Plenty of people go through that after elections now. Some of them stop talking even before the election. I don’t mean insults – people are willing to fling those like zoo monkeys throw poop – I mean actual conversation. Actual conversations between human beings seem more rare all the time. So let’s promise never to get out of touch, no matter if we disagree or not.

I was going to send you a video chat. Sometimes I forget we live in the 21st century. I know you know what that’s like! But in the end I decided to keep things old school, at least for now.

I’m sorry about the election, Donny! I know what high hopes you had. I heard that you watched the results come in with your lawyers. I didn’t know you had close friends who are lawyers! Most people watch with their friends or family, so if they aren’t old friends, why would you watch with your lawyers? I worry about you, Donny. You have a big family, but you don’t seem to spend much time with them. They say it’s lonely at the top. Do you have any friends besides your lawyers (and me, of course)? Next election, you can watch with me.

It’s nice that you kept control of the Senate. That’s not nothing, Donny. I would imagine it would be useful to have Senators you control. Some of those people said awful things about you before you were elected, but they seem to love you now. Be careful there. When people do that, it’s not because they’ve changed their minds. They just figured out how to get stuff by pretending to like you, but the second it seems not to work as well, they suddenly remember that they hate your guts.

It’s too bad about the House. And there are so many more of them than there are Senators, so you lost a lot more than you won. That’s got to be hard to deal with. But I know how good you are at not looking at stuff you don’t want to see. I wish you’d teach me how to do that!

People just didn’t believe you when you and the other Republicans said you would protect people with pre-existing conditions. You can’t blame people for not buying that. You all ran around saying that the Affordable Care Act was the end of the world and you’d get rid of it immediately. Did you have some sort of “Come to Jesus” moment and realize how many people would be left without any kind of health care if you took it away?

Here’s the confusing thing about the Affordable Care Act… if you call it “Obamacare,” lots of people say they don’t like it. But if you ask them about what’s actually in the Affordable Care Act, most people like it. A lot. They want it. They just don’t like the name.

So when you say you’re going to take it away, but you don’t have anything to replace it with, they get nervous. If you were drowning and someone came by in a yacht and said he hated your flotation device and it was no good, you’d probably still hang onto it until he gave you something better. You wouldn’t hand it to him on the promise that he would give you something else some day.

I think that’s what happened. You promised everyone better health care at lower cost and we’d all be amazed by it… but you just talked about it. You forgot to actually do it. So people want to hang on to what they’ve got until you can show them what you want them to trade it for. This isn’t a game show, Donny. People die if they can’t get medical care.

Speaking of promises… who wrote the speech where you said you have kept more promises than you made? Never let that person near your checkbook, Donny. He’s horrible at math. You can’t have more than 100% of anything.

I heard you’re sending thousands of troops to our border with Mexico. How come? I know there’s a bunch of people marching this way, but they’re not armed soldiers. You’re sending so many troops, they can play man-on-man defense and have spares. Somebody messed up, Donny. You need an army of interpreters and people who can do paperwork. These folks are coming to apply for asylum. What they need are people with ballpoint pens, not guns.

And there are more kids, Donny. Remember what a disaster that was last time. Leave the kids with their families. You haven’t got the last batch all reunited with their folks. The worst way to deal with finding yourself in a big hole is to make the hole deeper.

So you’ve got a lot to do. But fortunately, in two years you can make some real progress. You do know you get to stop running now that you’re President, right? If you do a great job you’ll be easy to re-elect, and if you don’t, nothing else will matter. So concentrate on the job at hand. And send those soldiers home to see their families. Soldiers never get home enough.

Say “hi” to your lawyers,

Your Pen Pal

Donny, what about trick-or-treating as Diane Feinstein?

October 31, 2018

Dear Donny:

Happy Halloween! Are you going to take Barron trick-or-treating? He’s 12, which is a difficult trick-or-treat age. Some kids feel they’re too old for “kid stuff” at that age, while others realize that opportunities to have people load you down with free candy are few and far between for adults, so they’re going to ring those doorbells until they can’t get their walkers to the doors. We’ve had college kids show up, pillow cases thrust out, saying “trick or treat!” in voices so low we had to ask them to repeat it. Personally, I think when you’re more likely to need a shave than to draw on your beard stubble, it’s time to stop.

Are you dressing up for Halloween? I know people are dressing up as you. That’s got to feel weird, seeing yourself everywhere with a plastic pumpkin in your hands. I would find it creepy, but I bet you enjoy it, don’t you? No insult intended. You know you like to put your name and face on stuff. Does it bother you when people add stuff, like devil horns? Free expression – gotta love it. The Constitution says so.

Say, Donny… as you’re aware, we’ve got a bit of a situation going on. Bombs, Donny. Nutjobs and whackadoos are building bombs and mailing them to people. These are not, from what I’ve read, people you even want to have a sharpened crayon. I’m sure you can see the problem here, Donny.

And… okay, Donny, you know I’m your friend, and I hope you don’t get mad, but I have to tell you… you’re not helping. I’m sure you mean to. Most of your life you’ve had problems that could be solved by yelling at them. Well, you yell and someone who works for you solves the problem to get you to stop yelling, but you know what I mean. This is one of those problems that gets better if you don’t yell at people. Especially about other people.

I understand why you don’t like the news media. They tell people stuff that you’re doing and saying, and they don’t make any effort to make it sound nice. They just put it out there, what you said and what you did, without a bit of polish or even a spritz of perfume to make it prettier. Most of us would hope for a sympathetic teller to relate our deeds. But most of us aren’t President. People are gonna criticize, Donny. Time to put on your Big Boy pants and stop whining.

See, anger is like smoke. If you puff a big cloud of it, it won’t stay where you put it. It drifts, and other people breathe it in. Some of those people are sick and really shouldn’t be exposed. It makes them sicker. The guy who mailed all those bombs? He was one of those sick people, and he got a big lungful of your angry. There are people who don’t, who really shouldn’t, be pushed into being any angrier than they already are. You’re pushing, Donny. It’s just not Presidential.

If there’s an atmosphere that says well, it’s understandable to blow smoke in peoples’ faces if you don’t like them, maybe not okay, exactly, but not completely wrong, then more people feel they can blow smoke if they’re really mad. Not just people who agree with you, but lots of people. Pretty soon there is smoke of all sorts being blown into all kinds of faces and then, Donny, someone gets the idea that it’s okay to blow their smoke into your face. Assassination is a professional hazard for Presidents, and it’s not a good idea to encourage that sort of thing, even a little bit, especially when you have targets painted on your ties.

You said a few good things, at first, but then you just couldn’t resist the impulse to whine to people and make a big deal out of what a victim you are. You’re not a victim, Donny. You’re President of the United States. When you’re feeling beat up and put upon, remind yourself that you are a grown-ass man and a President, then go out and tell people that you don’t approve of attacking people just because they say things you don’t like, and it’s wrong to do that, and people who do it should be punished to the full extent of the law.

Then dress up as Diane Feinstein and take Barron trick-or-treating.  Tell him you’ve signed an Executive Order granting you half of his candy.

Affectionately,

Your Pen Pal

October 24, 2018

Dear Donny:

How are things in D.C.? Do you get back there much? I saw something about a rally in TX. How did it go? People started posting a photo that was supposed to be your rally, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t in Houston. It wasn’t even in Texas, or even this year! It was an NBA championship parade in Cleveland in 2016. I’m not great at geography, but Ohio isn’t right next door to Texas, I know that. And 2016 isn’t right next door to 2018.

Before I forget, Donny, I have to be the bearer of bad news. Somebody at the Department of Health and Human Services has been at the liquor cabinet. There’s this whole kerfluffle about what gender everybody is. I have stuff to do. You have stuff to do. How does this airhead have time to worry about what is in other people’s underpants? I’m sure people can manage their own privates without the help of the DHHS.

Here’s the thing, Donny… I don’t have to understand why someone identifies with whatever gender he/she/it does. Neither do you. Nor does the DHHS. If I don’t understand somebody’s identity, I still don’t get to make him feel bad about it. That’s rude. And bad policy. No matter how somebody identifies himself/herself/itself, the DHHS is just supposed to concern itself with making sure he/she/it/whatever is a healthy he/she/it/whatever. Not pass judgment. That is not the job of the DHHS, to go around passing judgment and making people feel bad. Making people feel bad is the exact opposite of the job of the DHHS. It seems pretty basic, but obviously the guy in charge didn’t get the memo.

Times change, and views on things change, and no matter what gender somebody wants to identify with, the DHHS just needs to make sure that person has a chance to be reasonably healthy. Start declaring what things in which underpants in what combinations are acceptable, and you dredge up a whole host of fears and worries people have about this stuff, and that is a really bad idea, Donny. Remember the whole “birther” thing? Well, what if someone demands that you prove you’re really a guy? You wouldn’t even release your tax returns. Do you really want America looking in your drawers?

Better scoot on over to the DHHS and have a chat with them, quick. Maybe suggest they check on all those locked-up kids and make sure they’re healthy. Or work on conditions in Puerto Rico or where Hurricane Michael hit. Those people could use all kinds of Health and Human Services.

Hi to Melania next time you see her – Your Pen Pal

Wait… this could work…

October 16, 2018

Dear Donny:

I’m so excited! I had an idea and I had to get it to you right away. This is the sort of idea that changes everything. Donny, I have it! I have the answer to all of your problems!

NASCAR.

No, I’m not suggesting you quit being President and become a race car driver. Although now that I think of it… if you did quit to drive NASCAR, all of a sudden, Robert Muller doesn’t care much what you do any more. I’ve never heard him even mention NASCAR. And you could sponsor yourself and put your own name all over your clothes and the car. You know how you would like that.

Or it could just end your problems by ending you. There’s a big difference between driving a golf cart and taking a turn on the speedway. So let’s keep that idea in your back pocket, just in case.

What I mean is naming rights. You know how big corporations pay sports teams to put their names on race cars, arenas and such? Yes, I know, you don’t have that kind of money. That’s not what I’m saying. This is a new idea. And, hang on to your golden toilet, Donny… we rename the country. What’s Amerigo Vespucci done for us lately? He’s had his turn. How about Trumperica! Trumpistan?

Don’t tweet yet. I know what you’re thinking. Why would people who loathe you agree to that? Here’s the genius part, Donny. You tell everyone you will step down. You, your whole family, the whole bunch. In return, everyone agrees to rename the country, and gives you $ 5.

Doesn’t sound like much, does it? But Donny, there are 326 million people in America, more or less. $5 from each one comes to one billion, six hundred and thirty million dollars! The people who like you would happily pay $5 to help you out, and the people who hate you would be thrilled to pay $5 to get rid of you, so I don’t see how anyone could say no to this!

Of course, details matter (trust me, Donny. I know you disagree and I’ll probably never convince you, but stuff like facts and details really do matter). You’d only get to rename the country for the rest of what would have been your term. But Donny, even if you give your cronies a million each to go away, and give each of the kids a million (and Donny, every kid has to get the same, or there will be fights. Don’t give it all to Ivanka just because you can’t remember the names of the other kids. Ask Melania. She probably knows), that still leaves you with more money than you’ve ever had.

You still get to be on the list of United States Presidents without the asterisk after your name that Muller will probably add… or worse yet, getting imprisoned or shot. I know the GOP is happily looking the other way no matter what you do so long as you let them cut taxes for their friends, but Donny, even they have to take treason seriously. I know you didn’t mean to. You don’t even know what it is now, so you sure didn’t then, but see, you were running for President. Nobody will buy that you had never read the Constitution and had no idea what it was you were running for. I believe you – it’s clear that even now you don’t really understand what the job is – but it doesn’t look good. This way, you’re on the list, no pesky “howevers” about it.

And you’ll be the only one who was also President of Trumpalia! Trumpivia?

We can even extend it. If you and the family promise to stay out of the public eye, permanently, just retire from politics and business, you could probably get naming rights to all sorts of things! Imagine Rachel Maddow sporting Trump jeans! Robert Reich hiking down his trousers to show the waistband of his Trump undies (ooh, Donny! Trump + undies = Trumpies! Or maybe you save that name for diapers. “When someone takes a dumpy, it’s time for Trumpies!”).

Or we could rename each state, just for a year, after you. 50 states, Donny! And at your age, we probably wouldn’t even get through the whole 50, so each state has a limited risk each year. Just think, if you got to look at the map and see New Trumpork or Trumpifornia! They’d hate it, but they’d do it, once someone pointed out that they’d get to walk around feeling really smug and long-suffering, knowing they were taking one for the team for a year, and knowing it was deserved.

Best yet, with that kind of money, you could afford to reunite every one of those kids you took with his or her family. Even if you hired a thousand private detectives and gave them $100,000 each to locate the families and reunite the kids with them, you still come out of this with more than a billion dollars, and a clear conscience. You’ll sleep better at night. We all will.

God bless Trumpistan! Trumpland? No, too theme-parky (can you imagine what the rides would be like?). Trumpvania? We’ll figure it out. Let me know what you think, Donny. I’ve got my $5 all ready to send.

Your Pen Pal

October 12, 2018

Dear Donny:

I’m sorry I’m late writing to you. I haven’t heard from you for a few days, either, but it’s understandable, with all you have going on.

That thing with Brett Kavanaugh… Donny, that’s awful! You poor guy. Didn’t I tell you, though? It’s not a good idea to use a Supreme Court nomination to make a joke. Not everyone gets your sense of humor.

Congress isn’t exactly weighed down with people with a good sense of humor. Mitch McConnell isn’t exactly a laugh riot, and Lindsey Graham? If you want someone to screech, he’s your guy, but his jokes are probably the sort where the next thing he has to say after the punch line is, “I’M KIDDING! Jeez, you have no sense of humor.” They seem like mean guys, Donny. Watch your back.

How’s the Space Force thing going? I haven’t heard anything lately. Did that poor guy who was so worried about the logo pick one out? Of all the stuff you have to do, setting up the Space Cadets is probably easiest, if you can talk NASA into being part of it. They already have all the information and a place to launch things. Maybe some of their astronauts want to be Space Cadets? Can’t hurt to ask.

They’re always under-funded, so if you offer them a bit of cash, they’ll probably go for it. That way, you don’t have to make a whole new agency and everything from scratch. Rockets are expensive. You were going to need rockets, right? Not just a logo? Just having a logo would be cheaper, but leaves out the “space” part. Although maybe you’re more interested in the “force” bit anyway.

Nobody in your family has written me for money in a week! That’s some kind of record. I’m hoping this means you found some money you forgot about in an old coat, or a purse Melania hasn’t used in a long time. That’s a lot of fun. I found $10 once. You guys have more coats and purses, though, so you probably found a lot more than that. $50? It’s none of my business. I’m just curious. I bet it’s more like $100. How is Melania? I notice she’s getting out and about, so that’s good. I know how she hates being in Washington.

What’s new with the wall? I saw that some guy named Kevin McCarthy, who is, apparently, a legislator, wants United States taxpayers to pay for the wall. I’m sure he means well, Donny, but you’d better let him know that Mexico is paying for the wall, before he wastes too much more time on it. Did you tell everybody else Mexico is paying for the wall, and forget to tell him? Make sure he’s on your email list so he won’t miss the next announcement. Maybe the President of Mexico could send him a note.

Speaking of which… you might need to skip emails and go down to the Department of Homeland Security in person, Donny. Remember all those kids from immigrant families who got taken away from their folks? Now it looks as though some of them (a bunch, really) might end up being put up for adoption! This is a major screw-up, Donny. You might have to yell at some people.

Imagine someone had just taken Eric, Donald Jr. , Tiffany, Barron, and even Ivanka away from you, and you’d never see them again! Okay, well, imagine someone had stolen your wallet and emptied out your bank accounts, and you were never going to get that money back. That’s how their families must be feeling. Somebody gave DHS and ICE the wrong instructions, and they’re not questioning it – they’re going full-speed ahead.

I saw some footage from a rally you had. Looked like you were having fun, but… Donny, you know I’m your Pen Pal and your friend, so I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. It’s time to stop running for President. Now it’s time to be President, before Kevin makes us all pay for some giant-ass wall, Lindsey brings another of his dodgy pals into government, a bunch of kids get hijacked and adopted out, and some clown has people trying to launch satellites with zip guns from the top of the White House. Wouldn’t it be a better rally if you got things stabilized? A rally isn’t as much fun on the deck of a sinking ship. I know you can do it.

All the best, your Pen Pal

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/kevin-mccarthy-introducing-bill-to-fully-fund-border-wall/

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/deported-parents-may-lose-kids-adoption-investigation-finds-n918261

Lara is looking for top patriots.

October 3, 2018

Dear Donny:

I’ve heard from Lara a couple of times in the last week, which makes me feel just awful about not answering her. Please tell her that I mean to answer but just don’t have the free time you guys seem to have. What else does Lara do when she’s not emailing me? She must have a hobby. Does she knit?

It said online that she’s a producer and host. What does she host or produce? I haven’t heard of her, but then, there are so many channels now, so I haven’t heard of most of the people on tv. Let’s face it, being a “celebrity” doesn’t mean what it used to. You know what I mean.

She says you have “tuned out the mainstream media.” I understand, but that’s a real shame, Donny. The news is so awful these days that it just eats at you. But you’re President now, Donny. You have to know what’s really going on. Do what I do – hide under the sofa and turn the tv on with the remote control.

Lara said you’re holding a “massive rally” and you’re “inviting a top patriot to enter to win to be his behind-the-scenes VIP special guest and get your picture taken together.” How do you decide who is a “top patriot?” Is it like the Congressional Medal of Honor, where you have to have a lot of accomplishments, or is it more like a game show where the first person to complete the obstacle course wins? If so, where do you do it? In the White House rose garden? On the golf course between rounds?

One thing confuses me about all of this – Lara said you are “inviting a top patriot to enter to win.” So even once this person manages to cross the rope bridge without falling into a vat of pudding, or whatever, he only gets a chance at being a VIP? Surely she doesn’t define “top patriot” as “people who give her (or you) money.” We have people who put their lives at risk for this country every day. Some dude with a fat wallet is not necessarily a patriot, let alone a top one.

Lara is begging for money again. Your family talks about money a lot. I’m not sure it’s healthy, Donny. Okay, you guys maybe had a lot of money at some point and now you don’t, but obsessing on it isn’t good for any of you. If Lara doesn’t have a hobby, you should tell her to get one. Something inexpensive. There are whole channels on Youtube devoted to showing you how to make things from junk like old CDs. I’m sure the White House produces a lot of leftover stuff she could use. It would be good for her to have something else to think about.

Oh – I meant to tell you – I’m still getting messages from your headquarters building. It gave me three hours to help it meet its goal. It didn’t say what its goal is. I’d ask for more details, but I don’t want to encourage it. I’ll be hearing from your furniture next. I’m not hearing from Mr. Pence any more. You told him I’m a woman, didn’t you? Thank you!

I did get that list you sent of famous people giving money to the Democratic Party. Wow, there are some big names on that list. But you sent a list of the most famous Democratic supporters, and your list of supporters was just “the latest,” as opposed to your most famous. Don’t feel bad, Donny. You’ve had your share of big-money donors. Sure, not all of them are famous, but the founders of the WWE, the McMahons, gave you almost $8 million last time. Your big donors may not be famous, but they’re rich, Donny. Serious money.

Betsy DeVos’s family gave you nearly $2 million last time. You gave her a Cabinet post, so imagine what they’ll give you this time around! By the way, what do all those people who gave $50 and such get? Betsy got a Cabinet job and some other people who gave you a lot got jobs and tax cuts and such, but what about the people who gave $20? What did they get? I hope it’s nice. Maybe one of those clips that hold the potato chip bag closed once you’ve opened it. It’s not easy to find a nice gift that is affordable. You can’t given everyone a Cabinet job.

Those people who contributed to your “super-Pacs” make a few million look like loose change you found on the street. You gave them big tax cuts (and even more tax cuts just recently). They will make their gratitude known, don’t worry about that. If you get re-elected, you can give them even more goodies than you already have! They’ll be shoveling money at you like they’re trying to bury a big secret with it, don’t you worry. But what are you doing with all those millions?

You know I’m your Pen Pal and I like you even though you’re flat broke, and your family asks for money almost every day, but what are you doing with all those millions and millions of dollars? You aren’t supposed to use campaign money for personal expenses, I know. Is that the problem? People suspect you’re doing something you shouldn’t? If you release those tax returns, you can at least get that rumor out of the way and concentrate on the Muller thing. And that whole thing about Brett. Oh, Donny, what the heck? Where did you find this guy? He likes beer… okay, lots of people do, but it’s not a qualification for the Supreme Court. Those poor women. Especially that Dr. Ford who had to stand up in front of the whole world and talk about stuff she clearly didn’t want to talk about. And some of the comments… oh my God, Donny! Would someone please, please muzzle Mitch McConnell? He’s like that old, drunk uncle you have to deal with on Thanksgiving even though you know he’s going to say awful stuff and do something inappropriate with the turkey so everyone will end up eating cheese sandwiches instead.

I’m sure Brett is your buddy and you like him, but isn’t he a bit, well, jumpy to be a Supreme Court judge? You’d hope someone like that would be cool under fire, but he was like cotton candy in a rainstorm. I really hope he didn’t do it, but I noticed that he would never really say “yes” to an FBI investigation. You can’t have someone with that sort of cloud hanging over him on the nation’s most important court, though. There are still people who put a little mental asterisk after everything that Thomas says. Friend or not, it’s time to call a halt to the hearing, have the FBI take it apart and look for things in the sofa cushions, and then, once he’s cleared, go ahead with the hearing. Frankly, there are so many asterisks floating around what’s coming out of Washington now, it looks like a blizzard. You don’t need anyone else suspicious on the team.

Let me know when your “top patriot” show will be on. If it doesn’t have a title, that might be a good one! “Donald Trump’s Top Patriot.” Who wouldn’t want to carry that title?

Give my best to Melania. I hope she’s enjoying her trip. And tell Lara if she wants to learn to knit, I know some people who could show her how.

All the best,

Your Pen Pal

Lara’s looking for “top patriots.”

September 26, 2018:

Dear Donny:

I heard about what happened at the U.N. Donny, I’m afraid they were laughing at you, not with you. Who writes your speeches, Donny? “In less than two years, my administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country,” you said. In front of the U.N. Donny, I’m your pen pal and I believe in you, you know that, but even your own Mama would find that a bit of a stretch.

Think about it! Washington, who was a General, pretty much determined how the American Presidency would work. Adams and Jefferson were Founding Fathers, for crying out loud! Jefferson was the foremost writer of the Declaration of Independence! Madison is “the father of the Bill of Rights,” Monroe stood up to Europe to establish America as its own, separate identity (with the idea that foreign powers should not interfere in our government. Remember that, Donny, next time Vlad winks at you). Polk expanded the borders of the U.S. , and Lincoln… come on, Donny, even you know about Lincoln.

Garfield fought corruption. Teddy Roosevelt established the national parks system. Taft went on to become a Supreme Court Justice after he was President. Wilson led the U.S. Through WWI and fought to bring nations together (like the U.N.). Hoover organized post-war relief efforts. FDR got us through The Great Depression and led the country during most of WWII. Eisenhower was a war hero who bucked extremists to try to keep the country on a more moderate course during the Cold War.

Johnson really mastered The Art of the Deal and got sweeping antipoverty and civil rights legislation passed. Carter improved peace with the middle east and works for improvements for the poor and disenfranchised. George HW Bush was a war hero and an ambassador before serving as President and signed the Americans With Disabilities Act into law and guided the country through some dicey political waters when the Soviet Union collapsed.

Donny, so far, you’ve managed to cut taxes for rich people and work on taking away health care from those people Obama was trying to help.

Not really in the big leagues yet, Donny.

But it’s something to work on.

Why not aim for the middle? That’s respectable. Considering we’ve had over 40 Presidents so far, being, say, #23 in the rankings wouldn’t be bad. William Henry Harrison caught a cold and died after only a month in office. All you have to do to outdo Harrison is wash your hands regularly and maybe drink more orange juice. That doesn’t seem so hard.

Millard Fillmore approved a compromise allowing slavery to continue in the South, and ran for President a second time as part of the anti-immigrant Know-Nothing Party. So the bar is pretty low there. But you might have to kick a few of your friends to the curb and watch what you say. Warren Harding croaked during his term, surrounded by a huge corruption scandal. If the Muller investigation doesn’t get you and you don’t keel over, you can beat that.

Franklin Pierce’s wife hated D.C. When they told her he’d been nominated for President, she fainted. If Melania can keep upright, you’re good there. Has she graduated from college? If so, First-Lady-wise, you tie with Rutherford B. Hayes. He also lost the popular vote but won the electoral college, so you guys are brothers from another mother.

If I were you, I’d aim to tie with Chester A. Arthur. We don’t talk about him much. He wasn’t well-known before he became President, so it might seem like you have nothing in common, but he ended up surprising people. They didn’t expect much from him, but he turned out to be honest and responsible. During his law practice, he defended a black woman who had been “abused on a streetcar.” You can imagine what that was like. He won her case and the streetcar companies had to integrate. In his quiet way, he was kind of badass, and exceeded expectations.

There’s your model right there, Donny. Be the next Chester A. Arthur. Maybe that could be your slogan for the next election, “Donald John Trump, America’s Next Chester A. Arthur.” Or, “Donald Trump: Give Me Another Chance. I Might Surprise You!” On second thought, stick to the first one. Not all surprises are good ones. No sense reminding people.

I did get your emails asking me to become a “sustaining” member. Does that mean you want me to send you money every month? I just can’t, Donny. I’m sorry. Our health care costs keep going up. Which reminds me, when does the fantastic health care you promised everyone kick in? You said we’d have better health care and lower costs. When does it start? Maybe once it does, I can send you some money every month. If you tell me what day it will start, I’ll look at how things are then.

Eric writes a check for me.

Meantime, did you know I got an email from Eric? Poor Eric… he gets lost in the shuffle a lot. Anyway, he said he was going to write a check in my honor. Does Eric have money? Where does he get it? I know you’re broke, and it’s embarrassing to hit up a relative for money, but maybe you should ask Eric? Someone should be able to introduce you.

Eric wants me to write a check, too. Please tell him that I wish I could, but I can’t. Maybe he can just write a bigger check?  Or he can wait until the better health care starts and then we’ll talk.

Best luck becoming the next Chester A. Arthur, Donny! I know  you can do it.

September 20, 2018:

Dear Donny:

I’m sorry this is a day late! Work got in the way of fun. I admire the way you manage not to do that, let work get in the way of enjoying yourself. Look at how often you play golf. What else do you do for fun? I have this mental image of you diving into a big pile of money, like Scrooge McDuck. Tell the truth — when you had money, did you ever do that? Did you get quarters up your nose?

Donny is have a big rally. Or a rally of big people. Not sure.

I got an email from some people identifying themselves as “Team Trump.” That’s a nice tongue twister. I actually sat around for a minute saying it over and over as fast as I could. Anyway, thank them for calling me “such an important part of our movement.” Is that because I’m your pen pal? They offered me two chances to go to one of your “MASSIVE rallies” and put me up in a hotel with a friend. Did they mean you?

That’s sweet, Donny, but I don’t think we should share a hotel room. Sometimes traveling with a person is the end of the friendship, and as fond as I am of you, I think we’d drive each other crazy sharing a room. Maybe I could stay with Melania in her room? I don’t need much closet space, and she seems a bit lonely. You’ll have that MASSIVE rally of people, but who does Melania have?

And truth to tell, I’m not much for crowds, especially MASSIVE crowds. Things get out of hand when you get a bunch of people together and whip them up talking about people they hate. Look at some of the stuff going on now. I’d rather not be there. Or maybe it’s not a bunch of people, but just a few people who are really big? I need to lose a few pounds – well, more than a few – so if it’s that sort of gathering, I’d fit right in. And it’s harder for fat people to pose a public threat. We get winded easily. You know what I mean.

The election really shouldn’t be about me…

In your email, you talked about making the upcoming election about me. That’s so nice of you, but please don’t, Donny. You’re the President and the election should be about you, the things you’ve done so far. Which reminds me, Donny, how are all those kids?

I saw a report about a week ago that says there are over 12,000 kids still in detention! Talk about a “massive” job! I understand if it’s taking some time. I mean, everybody always thinks they know who the baby looks like, but they don’t agree. You’re probably tired and foot sore, wandering those cages and all, holding up babies and trying to match them to their families. But I also know my friend Donny won’t stop until every kid is reunited with his or her family, no matter what it takes.

It warms my heart that you care so much about me. I like you, too! But the kids. It should be about the kids.

The liberals in Hollywood have a machine that makes money? Wow! I wish you could borrow it, but they probably wouldn’t lend it to you. It worries me, how broke you are. And think of all the good you could do if you had a lot of money! So many people are hurting, and you could help them. Maybe if you promised to use it to help people, they would lend it to you? Or at least give you some of the money? Liberals like to help people in need, and if they saw all the messages I get from your family begging for cash, they’d have to help you. Let me know who has the machine and I’ll send him copies of your emails.

It was bad enough when the whole family started writing to me…

Speaking of which… you know how much I love hearing from you, Donny, but this email thing is getting out of hand. Emails from you, that’s one thing. From Melania? That’s fine. She seems nice and she seems to need friends. I haven’t heard lately from that dude who was so worried about the logo for the Space Cadets or whatever that was, which is great. He seems a few chocolate chips short of a cookie. Mike writes occasionally and okay, I guess he’s your bestie, but considering what a thing he has about women, should he be writing to women he doesn’t know, even your friends? Does his wife know he does that?

Lara writes me for money… you might explain to her that I’m not her mom. She seems confused about that. Ivanka wrote a couple of times and I think Donald Jr. wrote me, too, but just once. I might be wrong about that. Maybe Eric too, I don’t remember. But Donny, now it’s really gone too far. I’m hearing from your buildings now.

Well, one in particular. Now I get messages “from Trump headquarters” or “approved by Trump headquarters.” Has it come to that? You’ve got me worried, Donny. Either (1) you’ve slipped a cog and you think your buildings are talking, so it’s time to see a doctor (NOT that guy who looks like an old surfer who’s taken a board to the head too many times), or (2) you’ve really found a way to get buildings to talk and write, in which case, Donny, whatever you do, DO NOT let Robert Muller into any of your buildings!

If they find out you don’t have money any more, they won’t send you to Rich People Prison. They’ll send you to Real People Prison and Donny, we both know you would not do well there.

Let me know where to send those copies of your emails so you can get some money from the liberal machine. And good luck with the MASSIVE rallies!

Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on Supreme Court nominees…

September 12, 2018:

Dear Donny:

How are things? I just got your email about the things you love the most. LOL! I pictured you dancing around the White House like Maria in The Sound of Music, trilling about your favorite things. “My name on buildings and gold-plated plumbing. Giving a speech both confusing and numbing…”  Sorry, Donny, that wasn’t nice of me. You know how it is when you start a joke and it runs off with you. Rhyming “plumbing” wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

Anyway, you said “Someone in the media wrote an article DOUBTING my stories of all the great Americans who come up to me with tears in their eyes, thanking me for what WE are doing for our country.”  Who wrote the article? That was really mean. Here you’ve got what sounds like waves of people who see you and burst into tears, and someone has the gall to doubt your word about that?  For what it’s worth, Donny, I absolutely believe you.

How do you know why they’re crying, though? In my experience, people who are crying aren’t usually very good at explaining it. Lots of sniffling and hiccuping. Rooting around for a clean tissue (why don’t people carry handkerchiefs any more? Do you? I’ve seen you with one of those “pocket square” things, but they’re useless when someone is really crying.  Anyway, do they manage to tell you why you’re making them cry, or are you guessing? Or maybe they do some sort of pantomime? Charades?

You said, “That is so insulting. Not to me. But to you.” Where do I come into it? Did they mention me by name? Are you sure? If they were crying, maybe it just sounded like they were insulting me. They might have been asking you for spare change or  directions to the Lincoln Memorial. Like I say, it’s hard to tell when people are crying.

That’s got to be rough. Here you’re reduced to begging for money again, and surrounded by sobbing people. How do you keep your spirits up? Golf? It’s a good thing you have your own golf course. Friends who play say the greens fees really add up quickly.

Is that why you still haven’t released your  tax returns? Are you embarrassed? Donny, just go ahead and release them.  It goes with the job. Lots of people have been broke and will understand. Maybe they’ll even send you a few bucks. I know how much you need it. Every other email, you ask for money. I wish I was as rich as some people think you are. Then I could send you a little something to tide you over. I really hope you find someone to help. But you know I’m always there for you if you want to talk.

Ummm, Melania, here we don’t… never mind. Donny will explain it.

Say “hi” to Melania for me if you see her. I got her email about the same time as I got yours.  Tell her I’ll answer it as soon as I can. She said she never envisioned being First Lady and asked me to sign some sort of pledge. She didn’t grow up here, did she? You’d better explain to her that we pledge allegiance to the flag and country, not to individual people. That’s one of the big things the FF’s (Founding Fathers) were really clear about — we’re supposed to be a nation of laws dedicated to principles, not people. Signing some sort of loyalty  pledge is more what you’d expect in a dictatorship, not a democracy. I’m sure it’d be better if the explanation came from you rather than from me, though.

Btw, is September 11 your birthday? I saw you and you looked really happy, waving your fist in the air and smiling. I’m glad to see you happy, Donny. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just that for most of us, at least here in the U.S., 9/11 is a solemn thing.  But life does go on and you do get to celebrate your birthday. I wouldn’t begrudge you that. I just hope you weren’t surprised when other people didn’t join in. It wasn’t personal, Donny. They were just thinking about something else.

Best to the family. Your Pen Pal

Donny, Brad’s knickers are all in a twist over Kavanaugh.

September 4, 2018:

Dear Donny:

In every friendship, there’s a moment when one friend has to ask another friend to ask his other friend to stop bothering her, and I guess that time is now. I enjoy hearing from you, you know that. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would become the pen pal of the President of the United States!

And it’s sweet that you shared my email address with your wife. Melania seems like she could use a few friends. It was even okay when I started hearing from your kids and their spouses. But then it was the Vice President (does he know I’m female? I kind of thought he had, y’know, a “thing” about talking to women without his wife watching), then that dorkus Brad who was all worked up about a logo for the Space Force, and now Brad the Dorkus is sending me rude messages

Donny, I’m your buddy, and that’s great, but please don’t hand out my email address to every person you meet without asking me first. This Brad Parscale guy, look… I know he’s your Campaign Manager (well, he’s calling himself that, anyway), but he’s a jerk. I’m used to how you use all caps a lot (WALL!), but this guy’s knickers are so knotted up he may have trouble breathing. And he doesn’t seem to have any political experience, Donny. Are you sure you want someone who faints easily running your campaign?

First he wants me to help design the logo for Space Force before anybody even knows what it’s going to be (he was a lot more interested in the logo than in, say, an actual force of some sort. Rockets, astronauts (or will you call them “rocketeers?”) and such would be more useful, but Brad wants to be sure the signs look pretty. Now he seems to be very upset that the Democrats didn’t welcome your Supreme Court nominee with open arms. What did he expect? The GOP wouldn’t even look Merrick Garland in the eye, and most of them said they liked him.

Mr. Kavanaugh isn’t your usual Supreme Court nominee. He’s got a more partisan record than the average justice. He was a White House Counsel, so he was involved in a lot of political decisions – so there should be lots for Congress to read through before deciding. He’s said Presidents shouldn’t be questioned while in office, which would be great for you, but he’s also hiding stuff, Donny – and the last thing you need is someone else in your inner circle who is busy nudging stuff under the sofa. Lots of the paper trail hasn’t been released, and lots of what has been released has been redacted so much it looks like an add for permanent markers.

I’m your pen pal, so I’m going to tell you what a friend would tell you: you need a Boy Scout. Or a Girl Scout. Or Captain America. Someone who has a record for being impartial and thoughtful. This guy is not that person, Donny. Just standing near him is making you look guiltier. There’s an old poem:

A drunkard and a pig in the gutter lay.
Two ladies saw them lying there, and were heard to say,
“You can tell someone who boozes by the company he chooses.”
So the pig got up and slowly walked away.

You need to slowly walk away, Donny. People are already saying that you want Kavanaugh because you’re guilty and scared, so you’re trying to stack the deck. So even if you win, even your friends will wonder if you’re really guilty. Do you want people looking down on you for the rest of your life? Talk to Mr. Mueller, Donny. Don’t wait until there’s a full bench on the Supreme Court. Tell Rudy to go on vacation, and once he’s left Washington, grab the other lawyers and head for the Special Counsel’s office. Prove yourself innocent of treason, then go after the traitors with the full power of the Executive Branch. Call in Congress. This is the most serious threat to our country since they burning of Washington, DC in 1814.

You said you were going to drain the swamp, Donny. Time to pick up your bucket and start bailing. Ask Paul Ryan to help. He loves to exercise.

Naturally the Dems aren’t thrilled about Kavanaugh. That’s how it always goes with these things, and this guy is even more likely to cause consternations than the average nominee. But poor Mr. Parscale is practially fanning himself and calling for smelling salts. He sent me one of those “sign my petition!” emails. Nobody likes getting those.

At least my aunt starts with some kind of personal message, how her kids are (the ones we never hear from), that she’s planting petunias instead of zinnias this year in the front yard, that sort of thing. THEN she launches into whatever petition she wants me to sign. Mr. Parscale doesn’t even introduce himself and ask how I am. He just calls me “friend” and starts issuing orders. Well, you can tell Mr. Parscale for me that just because you and I are friends does not make me friends with him, and my friends don’t expect me to “hop, frog” just because they said so. They ASK, Donny. Politely. This dingdong didn’t even say “please.” Kids in kindergarten know to say “please.” Tell Mr. Parscale he can take his petition and…

Sorry, Donny. It’s not your fault. Maybe you did give him my email address, but I’m sure you didn’t tell him to use it to make himself sound like a hysterical jackass. You probably said something like, “Hey, Brad, if you want people to sign your petition, you can ask my pen pal.” But really, Donny, don’t hand out my email any more, okay? I feel bad enough that I haven’t been able to keep up with Lara’s emails. I don’t feel so bad about Mike Pence’s since I know he wouldn’t email me if he knew about me being female. Let him know, okay?

And tell Mr. Parscale that hearings are almost always contentious, with the other side asking lots of uncomfortable questions. I mean, Kavanaugh’s own side isn’t like to grill him, after all. That’s how it always goes. It’s nothing to get so worked up about. Maybe you should encourage him to lie down in a quiet room with a damp cloth over his eyes for a bit. And think about a career change. Politics isn’t for the overly sensitive.

If you want me to go to Robert Mueller’s office with you and hold your hand, just send a plane here and I will throw a few things in a suitcase. I’m not picky – Air Force 2 is fine. Or ask that dingledoodle Brad to send Space Force (snicker). After you talk to Mr. Mueller, we could visit one of your golf courses. I’m a lousy golfer, so I wouldn’t even have to let you win. If you can swing a club and hit the ball, you’ll beat me, and that should make you feel a little better. Plus, I really want to see your gold toilet. Not use it – I can’t imagine actually using a gold toilet. Besides, I don’t use Twitter much. But you can show me your gold stuff and beat me at golf, and I’ll tell everyone about my very brave pen pal who did what was right for his country, even though it wasn’t fun at all.

Best to Melania, if you see her!

Your Pen Pal

Make Our Fannies Great Again! 40% Off!

September 3

Dear Donny:

Thanks for sending me that email about the sale in your shop! I have an Etsy shop, but I don’t use it much. Certainly not like your shop! There sure is a lot there. Do you design everything yourself? It looks like a person could almost go from breakfast to bedtime and use nothing but your stuff. It would be like having you there 24/7, watching everything I do! But you’ve probably already got someone doing that.

Some of it would make great holiday gifts. That coffee mug! I (heart) waking up and remembering that Donald Trump is President.” Personally, I love a good gag gift. But some of my friends are pretty tense lately and might not get the joke. When I say that I still can’t believe you’re President of the United States, I know you won’t take it wrong. I mean, you’ve got to be pretty surprised, even now.

One thing confused me, though… you have stuff that says “Make America Great Again.” I thought electing you was supposed to achieve that. Selling stuff that says “MAGA” on it now is like saying you missed the putt and you’re taking a Mulligan, to use a term you’ll recognize. Whiffed the pitch, so to speak, so you’re calling the first one a practice swing. Sorry, that’s all of the sports analogies I have handy, but you get what I’m saying.

Some of your merch is really reasonably priced, Donny. Only $10 for a set of Trump/Pence mini-megaphones? Only 7” long… is that for when you think you want to be heard, but you’re not sure? It says it’s made from “recycled materials.” That’s a bit vague. Plastic? Paper? Unused Trump University diplomas? Whatever it is, $10 seems very reasonable. I bet you’ll sell out of those in a tick.

Good luck with your Labor Day sale! I know how you guys have been hurting for cash, so I really hope it goes well. Let me know what happens!

A few (thousand) dollars short.

What happened with that FEC deadline? When I checked, you were nowhere near your goal. That’s not good news. You’d have to sell a lot of plastic cups to make that up. Btw, plastic cups? I mean, you might buy some for a barbecue if the pattern was nice, but $5 a cup? You may need to lower the price a bit. Oh, that reminds me… that “Make Our Farmers Great Again” hat. Donny. Our farmers are great. They always have been. Especially the family farmers. A person might take that as an insult. Why not paint over the middle letters and change it to, “Make Our Fannies Great Again?” Tie it to some sort of national fitness program. You’re welcome!

Actually, I just remembered that whole unfortunate incident where you talked about women and… better just scrap the hats altogether.

Hard to know who your friends are!

Anyway, I did get your email about your allies turning on you. That is so sad! You just can’t tell who your friends really are until the Special Counsel drags them into court, can you? I know you would never turn on them the way they’re turning on you. Unless, of course, it would keep you out of prison. In that case, Donny, roll like a dung beetle. You wouldn’t do well in prison. A person has to be realistic.

So I’m glad you have some true friends. Imagine, people are giving you their hard-earned money, even if it’s just $5, even though you told everybody when you were running that you didn’t need money. But lawyers aren’t cheap, especially good ones. That’s how I first knew you were hurting for cash. It wasn’t the emails Lara sent begging for money. It was when you hired Rudy. Did you know he can’t keep his mouth shut when you hired him? I mean, it seems like every other day, he’s on the news telling the world you did stuff. Isn’t it a lawyer’s job to claim you didn’t do it? Or at least not say anything? Rudy likes the limelight too much, I think. So I’m glad all those people are sending you money. Maybe you can use it to send Rudy somewhere on vacation until all of this is over.

Say “hello” to Melania, if you see her. And pass on my greetings to Lara. I just haven’t been able to write to her as often as she writes to me. Your family loves to write emails, Donny! LOL. I have trouble getting mine to sign Christmas cards in time. One year, they went out just before the 4th of July of the following year. I can’t imagine what I’d have to do to get my family to write every single day. It’s nice. I’ll never be lonely so long as the White House has an internet connection.

Good luck with the sale. If you make enough, you might buy a muzzle for a certain attorney. You know who!

Your Pen Pal

Of walls, hunts for fake witches, and Sunset Magazine.

August 30, 2018:

Dear Donny:

Thank you for all the emails! You make me feel like a bad friend, though. I just haven’t been able to keep up with you. Five emails in a week! True, two were from Melania and one from Lara, but still. I don’t know how you make time to run a country and write to me almost every day. I hope you aren’t taking time from something important to write to me. It’s enough of an honor to be the President’s pen pal without being greedy.

You seem so upset about the media. There’s a lot of media. Are you angry at all of them? Even the Muppets on Sesame Street and the people at Fox News? How about the publisher of Ranger Rick Magazine? Are they all attacking you? Why are the people at Sunset Magazine mad at you? Did you forget to renew your subscription?

You’re right. I do care about jobs, my savings and healthcare. A lot. I imagine most people do. Things have been rough for working people. I know of small business owners who want to offer health care for their workers, but it’s expensive for a small business, plus the paperwork is onerous. People are terrified of getting sick or injured and having to see a doctor, because the bills would bankrupt them. Donny, I know from your emails that a lot of people are mad at you, and you’re very busy, but if you could get around to keeping that promise you made that we would all have amazing healthcare for less than we were already paying, that would be fantastic! At that point, almost everyone would like you. Maybe not a few people who make a lot of money from the way things are, but just about everyone else!

You’re right, I don’t care much about fake witch hunts. Did you mean fake hunts for witches, or real hunts for fake witches? Either way, nobody’s going to care about that. I am following the news about the Mueller investigation, though. It’s a wow. People are really getting charged and confessing and stuff. It looks like Russia really is tampering with our elections! That’s about as serious as anything can get. I mean, that threatens our entire country! I bet you’re up nights worrying about everything they’re finding out. What a time to be President. What were the chances you’d be elected at the same time a foreign power is interfering with our elections! I can’t wait to see how you handle it.

You mention illegal immigration and the wall, or as you put it, “THE WALL.” It’s not that I don’t care about illegal immigration. I mean, those poor children! Yikes! Weren’t you working on getting those kids together with their parents? I bet you’ll be relieved when that’s done. Everyone makes mistakes, Donny, but as your friend, I have to tell you that was a big one. I’m sure you won’t rest until you get that solved. If that means you can’t write to me for a while, that’s okay. I realize the kids are more important.

The wall… well, Donny, I know you have your heart set on that wall. I bet it was really disappointing that Mexico said they wouldn’t pay for it, not even a single bit. So you’d have to come up with billions of dollars for it. And I bet it would be a really nice wall, big and sturdy and maybe with your face painted on it… maybe you should make a trip down to Home Depot? They have some nice fencing that is a lot less expensive. If you buy the recycled wood panels, you can still put your face on it. I’d be willing to help. I don’t draw a lot of portraits, but I could draw a cartoon for you. We could probably bring the whole project in for a million or less, and Mexico might even chip in, if we let them draw on their side.

Donny, giving every American universal health care would make so many people happy and you could make quite a start on it for the same amount of money as you’d spend on the wall. And the kids, Donny. The kids. Maybe part of the money you were going to spend on the wall could go to getting them something nice.

You’ve got a lot to do, so I’d better let you go. Say hello to Melania and Lara for me. I’m sorry I don’t have time to answer all of the emails I got. I wish I could contribute to Lara’s fund. It’s so sad that all of you are so hurting for money! Somebody at the White House emails me asking for money almost every day, it seems like. Didn’t you tell them you fund your own campaigns without accepting a dime from anyone else? I can still remember when you said that. Sure, you did say you’d take some money if someone insisted, but you said you were rich and paying your own way. Did you forget to tell them, or did you run through all your money? You’ve been broke before, but I don’t know if Melania and Lara know how to get by without a lot of cash. Maybe it’s time to introduce them to ramen noodles. That’s what most people fall back on.

Hope you get those kids reunited with their parents soon. Let me know if I can help with the wall or universal health care –

Your penpal,

Joey

August 11, 2018

Dear Donny:

Wow, you are a prolific pen pal! I certainly can’t complain that I don’t hear from you! I’m also hearing from your family members and friends, though, and while it’s sweet that all of you keep in touch, I have to tell you… this is so awkward… Donny, please tell them to stop. I just don’t have the time to correspond with your entire family and all of your friends!

You must be some sort of genius, like Thomas Jefferson, or that guy on tv who sells Shamwow!, to have time to be President of the United States and write to me almost every day. How do you do it?

I hope you’re not offended if I answer several messages at once. Unlike you, I’m not a genius with boundless energy. After work, the housework, and cleaning up after the puppy, it’s all I can do to jot a quick answer to your emails and fall into bed.

People are coming over. What’s Donny making for dinner?

First off, congratulations to the folks who won your contest! How exciting for all of you to get to have dinner together! I’m not jealous. After all, we’re pen pals and you’ve assured me I am your “Friend,” which is kind of like being besties, right? Being the best friend of the President of the United States *and* his pen pal is enough for me.

What are you making them for dinner? Are you more of a “One Pot Meals for Busy Presidents” sort of cook, or do you really try the stuff on The Food Network?

I aspire to the latter but really only have time these days to throw together a sandwich. You can’t invite these people over for a cheese sandwich though, even if you use the good cheese. Once you invite people over for dinner, you have to figure out what you’re going to make. Don’t leave it until the last minute, though, Donny, or the store might be out of something you need. If I remember rightly, your signature dish is steak, so maybe stick with that, unless they’re vegetarians. Better ask them.

Some of Donny’s friends won their contests!

Congratulations on your friends winning their primary races. Five for five? Wow! The other four must be a real disappointment, but if that fifth guy manages to cross the finish line, your success rate will be slightly over 50%! I really hope for your sake he pulls it out. The race was a squeaker last time I looked. This is a real nail-biter. Good luck!

Brad wants my input on a logo for the Space Force!

As for the note from your friend Brad about the Space Cadets or whatever it is… Donny, you might not want to let Brad run anything. He thinks the most important thing to do first is pick a logo. It seems like if you’re sending people out into space, a lot of other things should come first. NASA hasn’t had enough money to go anywhere much for a long time, so if you’re going to re-use those old rockets, they’re going to need a lot of work.

And where are the Space Cadets going? I mean, you can’t just blow some trumpets, shout “hooray,” and launch people aimlessly out into space. Space is big. Like “huge” big. The biggest big.

And AAA doesn’t have road maps for it. Where are you trying to go?

If they’re just going to whip around the Earth a few times, maybe they can get by in a refurbished NASA rocket. Call it “retro.” People buy lots of things if they think they remind them of older things they like. Nostalgia is a great way to sell something. But if you want to do something nobody’s done before, you can’t set off in a Model T held together by patching compound and duct tape.

Anyway, I looked at the logo and several of them are nice, but… Maybe ask Disney if you can borrow one they already have. Buzz Lightyear! Maybe over a field that reads “To Infinity And Beyond!” Unless you have a destination in mind. They’ve sold a lot of stuff with Buzz Lightyear on it. Why not use what already works?

I really hope the whole Space Cadets thing works out. The way things are going, we might all want somewhere else to go. Oh… btw… whoever told you the wildfires are burning in CA because we don’t have access to enough water is pulling your leg.

The fires are burning through drought-ravaged areas in mountains where it’s hard and dangerous work to fight fires. I know your heart is with our brave firefighters, EMTs, police and rescue personnel. If you could throw them some money, that would be much appreciated. I know you have a lot to do with setting up the Space Cadets and making dinner for those people, but someone as smart and capable as you could do it.

Good luck with your dinner party! — your pen pal, JJ

#trump #presidentialpenpal

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