The Stink of Success

Cartoon of Donald Trump next to steaming pile of court documents surrounded by flies, guarded by two Secret Service officers.

December, 2023

Dear Donny:

I can’t believe it’s almost New Year’s Eve already! This is when people say “time flies,” but for one thing, time isn’t flying. It’s somehow both dragging like a snail going uphill through a molasses flood in the winter, and simply disappearing. It’s weird how time seems to have changed since the start of the pandemic. Also, we seem to be stuck in amber, or a time warp, or something. Covid is still around, we’re still worried about crazy people rioting… and another Presidential election cycle is underway.  Not that you ever stop campaigning. You spent most of your time as President either playing golf or appearing at rallies.

Also, “flies” might be a sensitive word for you about now. Did you know that #TrumpStinks became the leading hashtag on social media for a while? Donny! You’re #1! And #2, apparently. Sorry! It’s just so hard not to make jokes. Word is you are, shall we say, inconsistent in the personal hygiene area.  No wonder Melania’s been keeping her distance for a while. Donny, soap and water is a great aphrodisiac. Trust me on this. Better than money, even.  If you’re throwing money at a woman and she’s stuffing it up her nostrils, it’s a sign. 

I’m a little old to be making poop jokes, but here we are, Donny. You’ve taken all of us in directions we never expected. It’s my first letter in a long time , but here I am poking fun at your personal troubles.  I’m sorry, Donny! And you have so many troubles, all those charges against you and multiple court cases pending. I know you’ve been through a bunch of lawyers already (or a herd? What do lawyers come in, a pod, or something? How about “a quarrel of lawyers?”), but at least one should have told you that continuing to do a thing when you’re already facing prison time for doing it is not the best legal strategy. It’s like inviting the judge to watch you rob a bank.

I bet it’s Rudy’s idea. He used to be an attorney, right? He used to be your attorney, didn’t he? Then he was his own attorney, and now he’s not anybody’s attorney at all. I mean, he may still technically be a lawyer – it’s amazing what you have to do to actually get disbarred – but he’s been suspended and I can’t imagine anyone hiring him. And he sure needs to be hired by somebody. He owes those two election workers a pile of money. I read that he asked you for money. Did you give him some? I see where you’re raising millions and millions. That is a surprise, Donny. Most people charged with all the stuff you are would have trouble getting a loan from their own mothers. But good for you.

The Book Club has been reading the charges against you. We weren’t sure whether to tackle the trials by how serious the charges were, or when they were likely to go to trial, or what. So many choices! Donny, I’ll say it to anyone who criticizes you: you have been the biggest gift to literacy since Gutenberg invented movable type. All those books people have written about you, or for you, the impeachment hearing report, articles, court cases – Donny, a team of mountain climbers couldn’t scale the Everest that is words about you.

Not to make light of the seriousness of the charges, Donny. You may prove to be the single biggest criminal ever to walk U.S. soil. And to think, you were President! You’re an inspiration to every young criminal. No U.S. President has ever even been suspected of the number of charges you’re facing. Conspiracy to defraud the government (so basically the taxpayers), conspiracy to interfere with an election, racketeering, hiding confidential documents, falsifying business records… ninety-plus charges. Go ahead, Donny, make it an even hundred. At this point, you’re so close anyway.

How are you going to balance running for President again and being in court all of the time? At some point, they’re going to expect you to show up. We looked it up, Donny, and you can’t just not go. For some charges, you can be tried without being there, but it has to be by agreement and prosecutors are picky about that.

So I don’t need to ask what your plans for 2024 are. Your calendar is full. Rallies, trials, looking for Melania, whatever nefarious plans you have going… I never thought about it before, but being a mega-villain has to be time consuming.  Is Mar-a-lago your lair? I’ve never known anyone with a lair  before!

But seriously, Donny, take time to shower, on the regular. It’s not good for your skin to skip it, and it might lure Melania out from her hiding place.  If you really want to rake in the cash, get a soap company to sponsor you. Shower with the stuff every day. Maybe twice a day. Years ago, you promised to drain the swamp, but from what I hear, you’re pretty swampy. Maybe this, like charity, begins at home.

And definitely take a nice, long shower before we meet for pancakes. We should do that soon. I wish I could be more encouraging about your future, Donny, but it’s not looking good. There is some good news, though! I checked and they only say you get an opportunity to shower regularly in prison, not that you have to or how often “regularly” is. So there’s that.

Happy new year, Donny! Let me know if you find a soap sponsor. I even have a slogan you can use for free: “Clean up with Donald Trump!” Just use it. When people talk about a “campaign trail,” they don’t mean skid marks.


Your Pen Pal

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