IdeaJones

Tag: humor

  • Likes (The Idea Of) Walking In The Rain

    Dear Strange Dude:
    Thanks, but…

    Dear Guy From The Computer Dating Service Who Keeps Messaging Me:

    You seem like a nice guy. It even says in your profile that you’re “mature,” which is not a claim many people can honestly make, so mad props to you. Yes, I’m sure we like a lot of the same things, although I have to tell you I don’t really like walking in the rain. I like rain, and the idea of walking in it, but as with many things, the reality differs from the fantasy in important ways.

    Fantasy: walking in a light, steady rain, more of a heavy mist, that turns my skin dewy and glowing. Reality: squelching along, my hair plastered to my scalp by drops that splat on me like water balloons, in shoes that will, as soon as they get warm, smell funky.

    What I really like is sitting at a table under an awning or on a covered porch, sipping hot tea and reading, alone or with someone who doesn’t interrupt, because he’s reading his own book. I’ve left “splashing in puddles” territory and “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!” isn’t far enough away to leave room for romance on slippery surfaces.

    Which reminds me, no to the making love on satin sheets.

    No to all of it, really. I never did sign up for that online dating service. I took what was advertised as a fun personality test about romance. I’ve been married since before the invention of dirt, and was wondering if there were any romantic notions left in my aging and more than somewhat befuddled brain.

    Turns out the answer is “no,” at least as defined by an online dating service. Fancy dinners mean taking more trouble than I care to in order to get dressed, and sitting on uncomfortable furniture. I’d rather slide into a comfy booth at a diner where the waitress calls me “hon” and serves me a good burger, well done. Candlelight means squinting or rooting around in my purse for my glasses.

    I suspect that people who serve food in the dark are hiding something. Not that the lighting has to be “interrogation scene in a film noir,” but I do like enough lighting to read the menu and see the person I’m eating with. You only have to have the lights come up and find yourself murmuring fondly into the ear of a total stranger once to learn your lesson.

    Fortunately for you, I’m already married, so you don’t have to deal with me. Fortunately for me, I’m married to someone who dislikes dark restaurants and walking in the rain, and does like me.

    So you have to stop messaging me. I hope you find someone who likes walking in the rain, candlelit restaurants, and satin sheets as much as you do, although it seems likely you’ll see more of the staff of the hospital ER than each other. Which might work out, come to think of it. You need someone who knows her way around bandages.

  • (“Don’t) Hold My Hand

    We should have been doing this all along. Stuff comes through all the time, flu, stomach collywobblers, root rot. Wash your hands for at least 20 seconds. Two times through “Happy Birthday To You” will do it, but I feel silly wishing myself a happy birthday many times a day, every day, all year ’round. So here are some alternatives you can sing (even just to yourself) that seem on-theme:

    “Hold My Hand” by Hootie & The Blowfish

    ‘Cause I got a hand for you. (I got a hand for you).

    ‘Cause I wanna run with you. (Won’t you let me run with you)?

    Hold my hand. (Want you to hold my hand).

    Hold my hand. (I’ll take you to a place where you can be)

    Hold my hand (Anything you wanna be because)

    I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can

    “ I Want To Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles

    Oh yeah, I tell you somethin’ I think you’ll understand.

    When I say that somethin’ – I wanna hold your hand!

    I wanna hold your hand.

    I wanna hold your hand.

    Oh please, say to me, you’ll let me be your man.

    And please say to me, you’ll let me hold your hand!

    I wanna hold your hand.

    I wanna hold your hand.

    “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer

    My, my, my, my music hits me so hard,
    Makes me say, “Oh my Lord,
    Thank you for blessing me
    With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet.”

    It feels good, when you know you’re down
    A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
    And I’m known as such
    And this is a beat, uh, you can’t touch.

    (Feel free to add “U can’t touch this!” a couple of times).

    “Get Back” by The Beatles

    Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner,
    But he knew it couldn’t last.
    Jojo left his home in Tuscon, Arizona,
    Bought some California grass.

    Get back, get back,
    Get back to where you once belonged.
    Get back, get back,
    Get back to where you once belonged.

    Get back, Jojo!

    “I Touch Myself” by Divinyls

    I love myself, I want you to love me
    When I feel down, I want you above me
    I search myself, I want you to find me
    I forget myself, I want you to remind me

    I don’t want anybody else
    When I think about you, I touch myself
    Ooh, I don’t want anybody else
    Oh no, oh no, oh no.

    “Nasty” by Janet Jackson

    I don’t like no nasty car, I don’t like a nasty food, huh.
    Ooh ooh yeah.
    The only nasty thing I like is a nasty groove, huh.
    Will this one do?
    Uh huh, I know.

    Sing. Nasty

  • Don’t Bet Against Gravity (or) The Graduation Speech

    Don’t Bet Against Gravity (or) The Graduation Speech

    The speech I’d give, if anyone asked…

    To The Class of 2021… And All The Ones To Follow

    Dear Future Old People:

    I am honored to speak to you, at the request of absolutely nobody. The sight of your shiny blue faces, illuminated by your phone screens, fills me with the feeling that I am, at last, starring in a science fiction movie. Hopefully it’s more of a “cute and cuddly aliens” than a dystopian apocalypse, but I won’t know until I try to make it to my car.

    Old people droning unsolicited advice is a time-honored tradition of graduation. What makes this different is that it isn’t being given at an official graduation. Life is a continual test. You will always be graduating in some way. So here is the best advice I can offer you. It’s not much, but it’s what I’ve got.

    First, don’t try to see how much the toilet can take in and still flush. Either you will have to clean up the results or someone else will. People don’t forget, or forgive, having to clean up big messes they didn’t create. Try not to leave trash and wreckage in your wake, in case you have to walk back that way.

    Don’t blow in the dog’s face. Just trust me. It’s a good idea to be aware of how the recipient of your attention is enjoying, or not enjoying, it. Everyone has a snapping point and finding it will not be fun. Also, don’t pull the cat’s tail. If you cause someone pain, he tends to want to share that feeling with you, so you can appreciate what it’s like.

    If you’re so bored the answer seems to be pulling on the cat’s tail, learn to knit. You might still be bored, but you’ll end up with a sweater.

    Don’t bet against gravity. Learn the rules for anything you really want to do. You may be the rare exception to whom the rules don’t apply, but probably not. That’s how they became rules. Even if you don’t follow them, know them — or  you’ll look like an amateur. Why make life harder than it has to be? Some of the rules even make sense.

    Try not to be a jerk. You don’t treat other people kindly because they deserve it. You do it because you deserve to be that person. It isn’t necessary to approve of people to treat them well. You need to be able to approve of you. That way, if someone calls you names, you can shrug it off, because you know you’re a good person.

    Finally, know that if you try to be a good, responsible, kind person, that is all the world gets to ask of you. Anything more it gets is gravy. Don’t let other people decide who you will be. They don’t know. You don’t know. It’s a work in progress. If you don’t like you, work on it. Nobody’s got it all perfected yet. The smoothest glass has pits in it if you look at it closely enough, but it’s still beautiful. Demand a lot from yourself, but not perfection. Perfection is a goal, not a destination.

    Good luck. And put your phone down occasionally.

    Joey Jones, IdeaJones.com

  • A Dog’s Guide To Humans: Piddle & Doody

    A Dog’s Guide To Humans: Piddle & Doody

    A word about wiz.

    You might want to go relieve yourself before you start reading this dispatch.

    Of all the things I’ve observed about humans, the most perplexing is their attitude toward their own bodies and natural processes. Honest to Dog, it’s confounding. I’ll see if I can make even minimal sense of it, but some of this you will just have to accept on faith. I swear on my favorite squeaky toy, what I’m about to tell you is true.

    • They are embarrassed by the fact that they poop.

    I’m not talking about someone seeing them poop. When someone watches you go, it’s awkward and weird, no doubt about it. I’m talking about simply acknowledging that you do poop, or pee, at some point in your day.

    I think it’s some sort of sacred ritual for them. They even have special rooms in which to relieve themselves. They also wash themselves in that same room, which is odd unless you consider it as part of a ritual. You have the shameful elimination, then the ritual cleansing. This might explain why it’s considered such a private event.

    Outside of the Altar of Elimination, though, they try hard to pretend they don’t have to go. Some humans use special code words for elimination. Piddle, which sounds like an endearment for a puppy, is actually a code word for peeing. There are many others. One is “tinkle.” I met a dog named Tinkerbelle and she said her name was very confusing as nobody ever rang a bell when she tinkled. I theorized that maybe they were saying it sounded like a bell when she tinkled. Human hearing is quite limited, after all. This seemed to satisfy her and make her far more happy with the situation.

    There are also many words for defecation, including “doody.” My humans like to watch historic recordings of the stories that appear on the glowing boxes. One featured a man in a cowboy suit who talked to a wooden toy he called “Howdy Doody.” I do not believe he would have greeted even a toy by saying, “Hello, Turd,” but “Howdy, Doody” seemed to be not only acceptable but much admired, to judge by the humans slapping their front paws together (known as “applause,” the equivalent of a happy tail wag).

    They have a great many words for peeing and for pooping, from those supposed to be rebellious (“shit”) to those meant to be euphemisms (“do your business,” for example. This one confused me quite a bit at first as it seems an odd business to be in).  A species only exhibits this behavior in regards to things seen as taboo.

    • Some of them are driven insane by elimination.

    Not their own, I hasten to add. They might be uncomfortable with their own elimination, but they are downright neurotic about ours. My own humans will not let me eliminate in their Altar of Elimination, although they do allow human visitors to do so, so I must go in the back yard. Strange as this is, it is nothing to the behavior of some humans.

    I have been told of dogs who are swatted with objects when they eliminate inside the dwelling. It has even entered their language. To be “hit with a rolled-up newspaper” is a general term for being corrected. It is uncertain what the thinking is, but I’m inclined to accept the explanation given to me by Runs With Nose Lifted (aka “Wowzer”), a Great Dane I met. He theorizes that as uncomfortable as humans are with elimination in general, some are driven mad in the presence of it. Wowzer said he solved the problem by going behind the sofa to eliminate.

    Another dog, Steps High And Walks Fast (aka “Charlie”), said she tried designating her own altar — the tiny room in which the humans store their clothing — but this proved displeasing to her human companions, so as of that morning, she had started going under their bed, which seems reasonable.

    There is more to write on this subject, but I am still compiling my notes, and will send another dispatch as soon as I can.

     

  • A Dog’s Guide To Humans: Sleep

    A Dog’s Guide To Humans: Sleep

    Humans are always tired.

    As with so many things, humans have a strange relationship with their own bodies (just wait until I get to humans and elimination. Oh my dog, that’s a whole subject in itself).  They are so uncomfortable in their own skins that they do things to themselves that can only be described as straight-up freaky. One of the things they really can’t figure out is sleeping.

    How, when, where or with whom, humans can screw all of that up beyond any dog’s ability to understand, but I’ll do my best to explain it.

    • Humans don’t understand sleep.

    I mean, quite literally, they don’t grasp the concept. Not really. They seem to do all right as puppies, but once they can walk unassisted, they start experimenting with it.  Their puppies, called “babies,” are the most sensible stage of their development. They eat when they’re hungry (well, they demand food), poop when they need to, and sleep when they’re tired, unless someone or something prevents them. Yes, you read that right — adults try to manipulate their puppies so they sleep not when they’re tired, but when it is most convenient for other adults. This isn’t surprising when you realize that this is what the adults do to themselves and to each other.

    They have a schedule that is baffling. They wake up, usually after not getting enough sleep, so they’re cranky and clumsy. By ingesting the runoff of water in which various plants have been dredged, they open their eyes, at least somewhat, and begin to communicate. Prior to drinking the runoff, they communicate mostly in grunts and gestures. After, they communicate in sharp, harried barks and run around grabbing things and  putting them into other things, usually some sort of bag or box, and complaining that they are now late.

    Laugh if you will — this is how they start most of their days.

    They spend their days in a variety of behaviors, most of which seem to have little practical value, but do keep them occupied and, for the most part, out of trouble. During the afternoon, when their energy dips, they do not rest. Instead, they ingest more runoff so they can keep doing whatever it is they’re doing.

    Then they come home and do more things, not very effectively, because they’re tired. When they get tired enough, they slump on the supplementary dog bed (aka “sofa”) and stare at boxes with emit light and sound, which helps keep them awake. Sometimes these are thin, small boxes they can hold in their hands. Other times they are very large boxes.

    Eventually, long after they should be asleep, they will topple over and sleep in front of the glowing boxes, still resisting the urge to go to their comfortable beds to sleep. Eventually, many of them do rouse somewhat and stagger to their beds, but some stay in front of the glowing boxes so they can wake in the morning and complain about the parts of their bodies that hurt.

    • Humans don’t trust sleep.

    You might have read that more than once only to discover that it still makes no sense.  This is because it makes no sense.

    Humans dislike sleep. They brag about how little they get. They pretend they don’t need it. They talk about “snatching” or “grabbing” it. Where any sensible dog will tell you that if you’re tired it’s time to sleep, humans avoid it as long as they can.

    Instead of viewing sleep as a necessary part of the healing process, humans treat it like an enemy who must be conquered. Even as they are staggering, bleary-eyed and foggy-brained, they tell anyone who will listen that they “don’t need that much sleep.” It causes them untold health risks from accidents to heart attacks, but they take pride in their unwillingness to lie down and close their eyes as if simply being able to keep their eyes open long after their brains have stopped working were some sort of accomplishment.

    It is worth considering what marvels they could accomplish if only they weren’t so tired all of the time. And cranky. I’ve heard the phrase so often that the one word doesn’t sound right without the others. Tired and cranky.

    I doubt we’ll ever know what humanity could be if it only it got the occasional nap.

    I will write my next dispatch as soon as I can. Meanwhile, it’s time to go to bed. ~ Gingeroo