We should have been doing this all along. Stuff comes through all the time, flu, stomach collywobblers, root rot. Wash your hands for at least 20 seconds. Two times through “Happy Birthday To You” will do it, but I feel silly wishing myself a happy birthday many times a day, every day, all year ’round. So here are some alternatives you can sing (even just to yourself) that seem on-theme:

“Hold My Hand” by Hootie & The Blowfish

‘Cause I got a hand for you. (I got a hand for you).

‘Cause I wanna run with you. (Won’t you let me run with you)?

Hold my hand. (Want you to hold my hand).

Hold my hand. (I’ll take you to a place where you can be)

Hold my hand (Anything you wanna be because)

I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can

“ I Want To Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles

Oh yeah, I tell you somethin’ I think you’ll understand.

When I say that somethin’ – I wanna hold your hand!

I wanna hold your hand.

I wanna hold your hand.

Oh please, say to me, you’ll let me be your man.

And please say to me, you’ll let me hold your hand!

I wanna hold your hand.

I wanna hold your hand.

“U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer

My, my, my, my music hits me so hard,
Makes me say, “Oh my Lord,
Thank you for blessing me
With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet.”

It feels good, when you know you’re down
A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I’m known as such
And this is a beat, uh, you can’t touch.

(Feel free to add “U can’t touch this!” a couple of times).

“Get Back” by The Beatles

Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner,
But he knew it couldn’t last.
Jojo left his home in Tuscon, Arizona,
Bought some California grass.

Get back, get back,
Get back to where you once belonged.
Get back, get back,
Get back to where you once belonged.

Get back, Jojo!

“I Touch Myself” by Divinyls

I love myself, I want you to love me
When I feel down, I want you above me
I search myself, I want you to find me
I forget myself, I want you to remind me

I don’t want anybody else
When I think about you, I touch myself
Ooh, I don’t want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no.

“Nasty” by Janet Jackson

I don’t like no nasty car, I don’t like a nasty food, huh.
Ooh ooh yeah.
The only nasty thing I like is a nasty groove, huh.
Will this one do?
Uh huh, I know.

Sing. Nasty