Presidential Pen Pal: Walls, Fake Witches and 40% Off!

Donny emails me, and I write back.

Donald John Trump emails me. A lot. Several times a week, and sometimes more. So I decided to answer, and share those answers with friends. They enjoy reading my emails. I don’t know if Donny does or not… but now I’m hearing from his family and friends. And Mike Pence, which is weird. The last person I expected to have emailing a woman he doesn’t know is Mike Pence.  Anyway, I’m collecting those exchanges. Maybe Donny and I will become one of those great literary couples known for their letters, like John and Abigail Adams, if they were married to other people, and only one of them had ever been near the White House and played golf a lot.

September 4, 2018:

Donny, Brad’s knickers are all in a twist over Kavanaugh.

Dear Donny:

In every friendship, there’s a moment when one friend has to ask another friend to ask his other friend to stop bothering her, and I guess that time is now. I enjoy hearing from you, you know that. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would become the pen pal of the President of the United States!

And it’s sweet that you shared my email address with your wife. Melania seems like she could use a few friends. It was even okay when I started hearing from your kids and their spouses. But then it was the Vice President (does he know I’m female? I kind of thought he had, y’know, a “thing” about talking to women without his wife watching), then that dorkus Brad who was all worked up about a logo for the Space Force, and now Brad the Dorkus is sending me rude messages

Donny, I’m your buddy, and that’s great, but please don’t hand out my email address to every person you meet without asking me first. This Brad Parscale guy, look… I know he’s your Campaign Manager (well, he’s calling himself that, anyway), but he’s a jerk. I’m used to how you use all caps a lot (WALL!), but this guy’s knickers are so knotted up he may have trouble breathing. And he doesn’t seem to have any political experience, Donny. Are you sure you want someone who faints easily running your campaign?

First he wants me to help design the logo for Space Force before anybody even knows what it’s going to be (he was a lot more interested in the logo than in, say, an actual force of some sort. Rockets, astronauts (or will you call them “rocketeers?”) and such would be more useful, but Brad wants to be sure the signs look pretty. Now he seems to be very upset that the Democrats didn’t welcome your Supreme Court nominee with open arms. What did he expect? The GOP wouldn’t even look Merrick Garland in the eye, and most of them said they liked him.

Mr. Kavanaugh isn’t your usual Supreme Court nominee. He’s got a more partisan record than the average justice. He was a White House Counsel, so he was involved in a lot of political decisions – so there should be lots for Congress to read through before deciding. He’s said Presidents shouldn’t be questioned while in office, which would be great for you, but he’s also hiding stuff, Donny – and the last thing you need is someone else in your inner circle who is busy nudging stuff under the sofa. Lots of the paper trail hasn’t been released, and lots of what has been released has been redacted so much it looks like an add for permanent markers.

I’m your pen pal, so I’m going to tell you what a friend would tell you: you need a Boy Scout. Or a Girl Scout. Or Captain America. Someone who has a record for being impartial and thoughtful. This guy is not that person, Donny. Just standing near him is making you look guiltier. There’s an old poem:

A drunkard and a pig in the gutter lay.
Two ladies saw them lying there, and were heard to say,
“You can tell someone who boozes by the company he chooses.”
So the pig got up and slowly walked away.

You need to slowly walk away, Donny. People are already saying that you want Kavanaugh because you’re guilty and scared, so you’re trying to stack the deck. So even if you win, even your friends will wonder if you’re really guilty. Do you want people looking down on you for the rest of your life? Talk to Mr. Mueller, Donny. Don’t wait until there’s a full bench on the Supreme Court. Tell Rudy to go on vacation, and once he’s left Washington, grab the other lawyers and head for the Special Counsel’s office. Prove yourself innocent of treason, then go after the traitors with the full power of the Executive Branch. Call in Congress. This is the most serious threat to our country since they burning of Washington, DC in 1814.

You said you were going to drain the swamp, Donny. Time to pick up your bucket and start bailing. Ask Paul Ryan to help. He loves to exercise.

Naturally the Dems aren’t thrilled about Kavanaugh. That’s how it always goes with these things, and this guy is even more likely to cause consternations than the average nominee. But poor Mr. Parscale is practially fanning himself and calling for smelling salts. He sent me one of those “sign my petition!” emails. Nobody likes getting those.

At least my aunt starts with some kind of personal message, how her kids are (the ones we never hear from), that she’s planting petunias instead of zinnias this year in the front yard, that sort of thing. THEN she launches into whatever petition she wants me to sign. Mr. Parscale doesn’t even introduce himself and ask how I am. He just calls me “friend” and starts issuing orders. Well, you can tell Mr. Parscale for me that just because you and I are friends does not make me friends with him, and my friends don’t expect me to “hop, frog” just because they said so. They ASK, Donny. Politely. This dingdong didn’t even say “please.” Kids in kindergarten know to say “please.” Tell Mr. Parscale he can take his petition and…

Sorry, Donny. It’s not your fault. Maybe you did give him my email address, but I’m sure you didn’t tell him to use it to make himself sound like a hysterical jackass. You probably said something like, “Hey, Brad, if you want people to sign your petition, you can ask my pen pal.” But really, Donny, don’t hand out my email any more, okay? I feel bad enough that I haven’t been able to keep up with Lara’s emails. I don’t feel so bad about Mike Pence’s since I know he wouldn’t email me if he knew about me being female. Let him know, okay?

And tell Mr. Parscale that hearings are almost always contentious, with the other side asking lots of uncomfortable questions. I mean, Kavanaugh’s own side isn’t like to grill him, after all. That’s how it always goes. It’s nothing to get so worked up about. Maybe you should encourage him to lie down in a quiet room with a damp cloth over his eyes for a bit. And think about a career change. Politics isn’t for the overly sensitive.

If you want me to go to Robert Mueller’s office with you and hold your hand, just send a plane here and I will throw a few things in a suitcase. I’m not picky – Air Force 2 is fine. Or ask that dingledoodle Brad to send Space Force (snicker). After you talk to Mr. Mueller, we could visit one of your golf courses. I’m a lousy golfer, so I wouldn’t even have to let you win. If you can swing a club and hit the ball, you’ll beat me, and that should make you feel a little better. Plus, I really want to see your gold toilet. Not use it – I can’t imagine actually using a gold toilet. Besides, I don’t use Twitter much. But you can show me your gold stuff and beat me at golf, and I’ll tell everyone about my very brave pen pal who did what was right for his country, even though it wasn’t fun at all.

Best to Melania, if you see her!

Your Pen Pal

Make Our Fannies Great Again! 40% Off!

September 3

Dear Donny:

Thanks for sending me that email about the sale in your shop! I have an Etsy shop, but I don’t use it much. Certainly not like your shop! There sure is a lot there. Do you design everything yourself? It looks like a person could almost go from breakfast to bedtime and use nothing but your stuff. It would be like having you there 24/7, watching everything I do! But you’ve probably already got someone doing that.

Some of it would make great holiday gifts. That coffee mug! I (heart) waking up and remembering that Donald Trump is President.” Personally, I love a good gag gift. But some of my friends are pretty tense lately and might not get the joke. When I say that I still can’t believe you’re President of the United States, I know you won’t take it wrong. I mean, you’ve got to be pretty surprised, even now.

One thing confused me, though… you have stuff that says “Make America Great Again.” I thought electing you was supposed to achieve that. Selling stuff that says “MAGA” on it now is like saying you missed the putt and you’re taking a Mulligan, to use a term you’ll recognize. Whiffed the pitch, so to speak, so you’re calling the first one a practice swing. Sorry, that’s all of the sports analogies I have handy, but you get what I’m saying.

Some of your merch is really reasonably priced, Donny. Only $10 for a set of Trump/Pence mini-megaphones? Only 7” long… is that for when you think you want to be heard, but you’re not sure? It says it’s made from “recycled materials.” That’s a bit vague. Plastic? Paper? Unused Trump University diplomas? Whatever it is, $10 seems very reasonable. I bet you’ll sell out of those in a tick.

Good luck with your Labor Day sale! I know how you guys have been hurting for cash, so I really hope it goes well. Let me know what happens!

A few (thousand) dollars short.

What happened with that FEC deadline? When I checked, you were nowhere near your goal. That’s not good news. You’d have to sell a lot of plastic cups to make that up. Btw, plastic cups? I mean, you might buy some for a barbecue if the pattern was nice, but $5 a cup? You may need to lower the price a bit. Oh, that reminds me… that “Make Our Farmers Great Again” hat. Donny. Our farmers are great. They always have been. Especially the family farmers. A person might take that as an insult. Why not paint over the middle letters and change it to, “Make Our Fannies Great Again?” Tie it to some sort of national fitness program. You’re welcome!

Actually, I just remembered that whole unfortunate incident where you talked about women and… better just scrap the hats altogether.

Hard to know who your friends are!

Anyway, I did get your email about your allies turning on you. That is so sad! You just can’t tell who your friends really are until the Special Counsel drags them into court, can you? I know you would never turn on them the way they’re turning on you. Unless, of course, it would keep you out of prison. In that case, Donny, roll like a dung beetle. You wouldn’t do well in prison. A person has to be realistic.

So I’m glad you have some true friends. Imagine, people are giving you their hard-earned money, even if it’s just $5, even though you told everybody when you were running that you didn’t need money. But lawyers aren’t cheap, especially good ones. That’s how I first knew you were hurting for cash. It wasn’t the emails Lara sent begging for money. It was when you hired Rudy. Did you know he can’t keep his mouth shut when you hired him? I mean, it seems like every other day, he’s on the news telling the world you did stuff. Isn’t it a lawyer’s job to claim you didn’t do it? Or at least not say anything? Rudy likes the limelight too much, I think. So I’m glad all those people are sending you money. Maybe you can use it to send Rudy somewhere on vacation until all of this is over.

Say “hello” to Melania, if you see her. And pass on my greetings to Lara. I just haven’t been able to write to her as often as she writes to me. Your family loves to write emails, Donny! LOL. I have trouble getting mine to sign Christmas cards in time. One year, they went out just before the 4th of July of the following year. I can’t imagine what I’d have to do to get my family to write every single day. It’s nice. I’ll never be lonely so long as the White House has an internet connection.

Good luck with the sale. If you make enough, you might buy a muzzle for a certain attorney. You know who!

Your Pen Pal

August 30, 2018:

Of walls, hunts for fake witches, and Sunset Magazine.

Dear Donny:

Thank you for all the emails! You make me feel like a bad friend, though. I just haven’t been able to keep up with you. Five emails in a week! True, two were from Melania and one from Lara, but still. I don’t know how you make time to run a country and write to me almost every day. I hope you aren’t taking time from something important to write to me. It’s enough of an honor to be the President’s pen pal without being greedy.

You seem so upset about the media. There’s a lot of media. Are you angry at all of them? Even the Muppets on Sesame Street and the people at Fox News? How about the publisher of Ranger Rick Magazine? Are they all attacking you? Why are the people at Sunset Magazine mad at you? Did you forget to renew your subscription?

You’re right. I do care about jobs, my savings and healthcare. A lot. I imagine most people do. Things have been rough for working people. I know of small business owners who want to offer health care for their workers, but it’s expensive for a small business, plus the paperwork is onerous. People are terrified of getting sick or injured and having to see a doctor, because the bills would bankrupt them. Donny, I know from your emails that a lot of people are mad at you, and you’re very busy, but if you could get around to keeping that promise you made that we would all have amazing healthcare for less than we were already paying, that would be fantastic! At that point, almost everyone would like you. Maybe not a few people who make a lot of money from the way things are, but just about everyone else!

You’re right, I don’t care much about fake witch hunts. Did you mean fake hunts for witches, or real hunts for fake witches? Either way, nobody’s going to care about that. I am following the news about the Mueller investigation, though. It’s a wow. People are really getting charged and confessing and stuff. It looks like Russia really is tampering with our elections! That’s about as serious as anything can get. I mean, that threatens our entire country! I bet you’re up nights worrying about everything they’re finding out. What a time to be President. What were the chances you’d be elected at the same time a foreign power is interfering with our elections! I can’t wait to see how you handle it.

You mention illegal immigration and the wall, or as you put it, “THE WALL.” It’s not that I don’t care about illegal immigration. I mean, those poor children! Yikes! Weren’t you working on getting those kids together with their parents? I bet you’ll be relieved when that’s done. Everyone makes mistakes, Donny, but as your friend, I have to tell you that was a big one. I’m sure you won’t rest until you get that solved. If that means you can’t write to me for a while, that’s okay. I realize the kids are more important.

The wall… well, Donny, I know you have your heart set on that wall. I bet it was really disappointing that Mexico said they wouldn’t pay for it, not even a single bit. So you’d have to come up with billions of dollars for it. And I bet it would be a really nice wall, big and sturdy and maybe with your face painted on it… maybe you should make a trip down to Home Depot? They have some nice fencing that is a lot less expensive. If you buy the recycled wood panels, you can still put your face on it. I’d be willing to help. I don’t draw a lot of portraits, but I could draw a cartoon for you. We could probably bring the whole project in for a million or less, and Mexico might even chip in, if we let them draw on their side.

Donny, giving every American universal health care would make so many people happy and you could make quite a start on it for the same amount of money as you’d spend on the wall. And the kids, Donny. The kids. Maybe part of the money you were going to spend on the wall could go to getting them something nice.

You’ve got a lot to do, so I’d better let you go. Say hello to Melania and Lara for me. I’m sorry I don’t have time to answer all of the emails I got. I wish I could contribute to Lara’s fund. It’s so sad that all of you are so hurting for money! Somebody at the White House emails me asking for money almost every day, it seems like. Didn’t you tell them you fund your own campaigns without accepting a dime from anyone else? I can still remember when you said that. Sure, you did say you’d take some money if someone insisted, but you said you were rich and paying your own way. Did you forget to tell them, or did you run through all your money? You’ve been broke before, but I don’t know if Melania and Lara know how to get by without a lot of cash. Maybe it’s time to introduce them to ramen noodles. That’s what most people fall back on.

Hope you get those kids reunited with their parents soon. Let me know if I can help with the wall or universal health care –

Your penpal,


August 11, 2018

Dear Donny:

Wow, you are a prolific pen pal! I certainly can’t complain that I don’t hear from you! I’m also hearing from your family members and friends, though, and while it’s sweet that all of you keep in touch, I have to tell you… this is so awkward… Donny, please tell them to stop. I just don’t have the time to correspond with your entire family and all of your friends!

You must be some sort of genius, like Thomas Jefferson, or that guy on tv who sells Shamwow!, to have time to be President of the United States and write to me almost every day. How do you do it?

I hope you’re not offended if I answer several messages at once. Unlike you, I’m not a genius with boundless energy. After work, the housework, and cleaning up after the puppy, it’s all I can do to jot a quick answer to your emails and fall into bed.

People are coming over. What’s Donny making for dinner?

First off, congratulations to the folks who won your contest! How exciting for all of you to get to have dinner together! I’m not jealous. After all, we’re pen pals and you’ve assured me I am your “Friend,” which is kind of like being besties, right? Being the best friend of the President of the United States *and* his pen pal is enough for me.

What are you making them for dinner? Are you more of a “One Pot Meals for Busy Presidents” sort of cook, or do you really try the stuff on The Food Network?

I aspire to the latter but really only have time these days to throw together a sandwich. You can’t invite these people over for a cheese sandwich though, even if you use the good cheese. Once you invite people over for dinner, you have to figure out what you’re going to make. Don’t leave it until the last minute, though, Donny, or the store might be out of something you need. If I remember rightly, your signature dish is steak, so maybe stick with that, unless they’re vegetarians. Better ask them.

Some of Donny’s friends won their contests!

Congratulations on your friends winning their primary races. Five for five? Wow! The other four must be a real disappointment, but if that fifth guy manages to cross the finish line, your success rate will be slightly over 50%! I really hope for your sake he pulls it out. The race was a squeaker last time I looked. This is a real nail-biter. Good luck!

Brad wants my input on a logo for the Space Force!

As for the note from your friend Brad about the Space Cadets or whatever it is… Donny, you might not want to let Brad run anything. He thinks the most important thing to do first is pick a logo. It seems like if you’re sending people out into space, a lot of other things should come first. NASA hasn’t had enough money to go anywhere much for a long time, so if you’re going to re-use those old rockets, they’re going to need a lot of work.

And where are the Space Cadets going? I mean, you can’t just blow some trumpets, shout “hooray,” and launch people aimlessly out into space. Space is big. Like “huge” big. The biggest big.

And AAA doesn’t have road maps for it. Where are you trying to go?

If they’re just going to whip around the Earth a few times, maybe they can get by in a refurbished NASA rocket. Call it “retro.” People buy lots of things if they think they remind them of older things they like. Nostalgia is a great way to sell something. But if you want to do something nobody’s done before, you can’t set off in a Model T held together by patching compound and duct tape.

Anyway, I looked at the logo and several of them are nice, but… Maybe ask Disney if you can borrow one they already have. Buzz Lightyear! Maybe over a field that reads “To Infinity And Beyond!” Unless you have a destination in mind. They’ve sold a lot of stuff with Buzz Lightyear on it. Why not use what already works?

I really hope the whole Space Cadets thing works out. The way things are going, we might all want somewhere else to go. Oh… btw… whoever told you the wildfires are burning in CA because we don’t have access to enough water is pulling your leg.

The fires are burning through drought-ravaged areas in mountains where it’s hard and dangerous work to fight fires. I know your heart is with our brave firefighters, EMTs, police and rescue personnel. If you could throw them some money, that would be much appreciated. I know you have a lot to do with setting up the Space Cadets and making dinner for those people, but someone as smart and capable as you could do it.

Good luck with your dinner party! — your pen pal, JJ

#trump #presidentialpenpal


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