Presidential Pen Pal: Tidying The Forests

Donny writes; I answer.

Donald John Trump emails me. A lot. Several times a week, and sometimes more. So I decided to answer. Maybe Donny and I will become one of those great literary couples known for their letters, like John and Abigail Adams, if they were married to other people, and only one of them had ever been near the White House, and played golf a lot.

#trump #humor #trumpfunny

 

 

Donny… what?!?

November 19, 2018

Dear Donny:

I’m so sorry I missed you! I didn’t know you were coming to California to squint at the wreckage. Why didn’t you tell me? We could have met at the Salvation Army tent for coffee.

Someone did show me your speech though. Very presidential. Presidents have a long history of visiting disaster sites, frowning a lot and leaving. Thanks for not throwing toilet paper at the survivors this time (or was it paper towels? I just remember seeing you throwing things at a group of survivors after a previous disaster. Whatever it was, thanks for not lobbing it at people. It’s impossible to find breathing masks, shelter and… let’s just say it’s not a good time to startle Californians right now). I only have a few questions.

You said we need to take care of the floors. You do know you were standing in front of a building that had been burned out. There are thousands of buildings that are just gone. I guess, technically, some of them have floors, but… I hate to criticize, Donny, but if you don’t have walls or a roof, does it matter how clean the floor is?

Then you referred to cleaning the floors in the forest. Um… Donny… I know you like your outdoors manicured. Your idea of wilderness is the “rough” on the golf course, but honestly, Donny, it’s confusing when you say we should be cleaning the floors in the forest. First off, who is supposed to be doing that? The Park Rangers don’t have time to mop the dirt. Do you want just regular people to go out and start sweeping? How do we get there? There aren’t enough people within walking distance to clean it all. And a lot of it is remote and mountainous. Too far to hike there, rake up, and hike back home for dinner. Are you picturing people hiking up a mountain, raking all day, then nodding off in the wilderness? You’d better come with us. There are mountain lions and bears, after all, and you swore to protect and defend us.

There are about 33 million acres of forest in California. The feds own 19 million acres, so do your stretches, Donny. Sweeping can be hard on the back. Some is owned by corporations and some wealthy private owners. They can spend those tax cuts you gave them and clean their floors. That still leaves quite a bit to sweep, but I’m sure once we see how you want us to do it, we’ll understand.

How is it supposed to work? Rakes or brooms? What sort? As soon as you show us how you’re picturing it working, we’ll get to it, but it would be helpful if you came back and demonstrated exactly what you have in mind. You never seemed like the guy who knew the business end of a rake or broom. The narrow end goes up. That’s the handle.

And what do we do with the animals? I hate to spring this on you with all you have to deal with right now, but “Snow White” wasn’t a documentary. You can sing and whistle until your mouth is dry and not one mouse or bird is going to help you sweep the forest.

Where are we taking the stuff we sweep up? I don’t know if you know this, Donny, but after you sweep, you have to do something with what you sweep up. Pretty sure you’ve never cleaned a floor, indoors or outdoors, but I’m sure you’ve watched other people work. Have you ever watched the maids and janitors? What did you think they did with the stuff they swept up? You do know they don’t eat it, right? Or make it disappear with magic? So after we sweep up 33 million acres, that’s going to be a big pile of junk. I have absolute confidence in you, though. If anyone knows his way around a big pile of junk, it’s you, Donny.

One last question, Donny, and I’ll let you go.

How do you know when the dirt is clean?

November 7, 2018

Dear Donny:

You’re probably taking a day off from social media, since the election was yesterday, but I thought I’d send an email anyway, since that’s our habit. I don’t want you to think I’m not talking to you. Plenty of people go through that after elections now. Some of them stop talking even before the election. I don’t mean insults – people are willing to fling those like zoo monkeys throw poop – I mean actual conversation. Actual conversations between human beings seem more rare all the time. So let’s promise never to get out of touch, no matter if we disagree or not.

I was going to send you a video chat. Sometimes I forget we live in the 21st century. I know you know what that’s like! But in the end I decided to keep things old school, at least for now.

I’m sorry about the election, Donny! I know what high hopes you had. I heard that you watched the results come in with your lawyers. I didn’t know you had close friends who are lawyers! Most people watch with their friends or family, so if they aren’t old friends, why would you watch with your lawyers? I worry about you, Donny. You have a big family, but you don’t seem to spend much time with them. They say it’s lonely at the top. Do you have any friends besides your lawyers (and me, of course)? Next election, you can watch with me.

It’s nice that you kept control of the Senate. That’s not nothing, Donny. I would imagine it would be useful to have Senators you control. Some of those people said awful things about you before you were elected, but they seem to love you now. Be careful there. When people do that, it’s not because they’ve changed their minds. They just figured out how to get stuff by pretending to like you, but the second it seems not to work as well, they suddenly remember that they hate your guts.

It’s too bad about the House. And there are so many more of them than there are Senators, so you lost a lot more than you won. That’s got to be hard to deal with. But I know how good you are at not looking at stuff you don’t want to see. I wish you’d teach me how to do that!

People just didn’t believe you when you and the other Republicans said you would protect people with pre-existing conditions. You can’t blame people for not buying that. You all ran around saying that the Affordable Care Act was the end of the world and you’d get rid of it immediately. Did you have some sort of “Come to Jesus” moment and realize how many people would be left without any kind of health care if you took it away?

Here’s the confusing thing about the Affordable Care Act… if you call it “Obamacare,” lots of people say they don’t like it. But if you ask them about what’s actually in the Affordable Care Act, most people like it. A lot. They want it. They just don’t like the name.

So when you say you’re going to take it away, but you don’t have anything to replace it with, they get nervous. If you were drowning and someone came by in a yacht and said he hated your flotation device and it was no good, you’d probably still hang onto it until he gave you something better. You wouldn’t hand it to him on the promise that he would give you something else some day.

I think that’s what happened. You promised everyone better health care at lower cost and we’d all be amazed by it… but you just talked about it. You forgot to actually do it. So people want to hang on to what they’ve got until you can show them what you want them to trade it for. This isn’t a game show, Donny. People die if they can’t get medical care.

Speaking of promises… who wrote the speech where you said you have kept more promises than you made? Never let that person near your checkbook, Donny. He’s horrible at math. You can’t have more than 100% of anything.

I heard you’re sending thousands of troops to our border with Mexico. How come? I know there’s a bunch of people marching this way, but they’re not armed soldiers. You’re sending so many troops, they can play man-on-man defense and have spares. Somebody messed up, Donny. You need an army of interpreters and people who can do paperwork. These folks are coming to apply for asylum. What they need are people with ballpoint pens, not guns.

And there are more kids, Donny. Remember what a disaster that was last time. Leave the kids with their families. You haven’t got the last batch all reunited with their folks. The worst way to deal with finding yourself in a big hole is to make the hole deeper.

So you’ve got a lot to do. But fortunately, in two years you can make some real progress. You do know you get to stop running now that you’re President, right? If you do a great job you’ll be easy to re-elect, and if you don’t, nothing else will matter. So concentrate on the job at hand. And send those soldiers home to see their families. Soldiers never get home enough.

Say “hi” to your lawyers,

Your Pen Pal

Donny, what about trick-or-treating as Diane Feinstein?

October 31, 2018

Dear Donny:

Happy Halloween! Are you going to take Barron trick-or-treating? He’s 12, which is a difficult trick-or-treat age. Some kids feel they’re too old for “kid stuff” at that age, while others realize that opportunities to have people load you down with free candy are few and far between for adults, so they’re going to ring those doorbells until they can’t get their walkers to the doors. We’ve had college kids show up, pillow cases thrust out, saying “trick or treat!” in voices so low we had to ask them to repeat it. Personally, I think when you’re more likely to need a shave than to draw on your beard stubble, it’s time to stop.

Are you dressing up for Halloween? I know people are dressing up as you. That’s got to feel weird, seeing yourself everywhere with a plastic pumpkin in your hands. I would find it creepy, but I bet you enjoy it, don’t you? No insult intended. You know you like to put your name and face on stuff. Does it bother you when people add stuff, like devil horns? Free expression – gotta love it. The Constitution says so.

Say, Donny… as you’re aware, we’ve got a bit of a situation going on. Bombs, Donny. Nutjobs and whackadoos are building bombs and mailing them to people. These are not, from what I’ve read, people you even want to have a sharpened crayon. I’m sure you can see the problem here, Donny.

And… okay, Donny, you know I’m your friend, and I hope you don’t get mad, but I have to tell you… you’re not helping. I’m sure you mean to. Most of your life you’ve had problems that could be solved by yelling at them. Well, you yell and someone who works for you solves the problem to get you to stop yelling, but you know what I mean. This is one of those problems that gets better if you don’t yell at people. Especially about other people.

I understand why you don’t like the news media. They tell people stuff that you’re doing and saying, and they don’t make any effort to make it sound nice. They just put it out there, what you said and what you did, without a bit of polish or even a spritz of perfume to make it prettier. Most of us would hope for a sympathetic teller to relate our deeds. But most of us aren’t President. People are gonna criticize, Donny. Time to put on your Big Boy pants and stop whining.

See, anger is like smoke. If you puff a big cloud of it, it won’t stay where you put it. It drifts, and other people breathe it in. Some of those people are sick and really shouldn’t be exposed. It makes them sicker. The guy who mailed all those bombs? He was one of those sick people, and he got a big lungful of your angry. There are people who don’t, who really shouldn’t, be pushed into being any angrier than they already are. You’re pushing, Donny. It’s just not Presidential.

If there’s an atmosphere that says well, it’s understandable to blow smoke in peoples’ faces if you don’t like them, maybe not okay, exactly, but not completely wrong, then more people feel they can blow smoke if they’re really mad. Not just people who agree with you, but lots of people. Pretty soon there is smoke of all sorts being blown into all kinds of faces and then, Donny, someone gets the idea that it’s okay to blow their smoke into your face. Assassination is a professional hazard for Presidents, and it’s not a good idea to encourage that sort of thing, even a little bit, especially when you have targets painted on your ties.

You said a few good things, at first, but then you just couldn’t resist the impulse to whine to people and make a big deal out of what a victim you are. You’re not a victim, Donny. You’re President of the United States. When you’re feeling beat up and put upon, remind yourself that you are a grown-ass man and a President, then go out and tell people that you don’t approve of attacking people just because they say things you don’t like, and it’s wrong to do that, and people who do it should be punished to the full extent of the law.

Then dress up as Diane Feinstein and take Barron trick-or-treating.  Tell him you’ve signed an Executive Order granting you half of his candy.

Affectionately,

Your Pen Pal

October 24, 2018

Dear Donny:

How are things in D.C.? Do you get back there much? I saw something about a rally in TX. How did it go? People started posting a photo that was supposed to be your rally, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t in Houston. It wasn’t even in Texas, or even this year! It was an NBA championship parade in Cleveland in 2016. I’m not great at geography, but Ohio isn’t right next door to Texas, I know that. And 2016 isn’t right next door to 2018.

Before I forget, Donny, I have to be the bearer of bad news. Somebody at the Department of Health and Human Services has been at the liquor cabinet. There’s this whole kerfluffle about what gender everybody is. I have stuff to do. You have stuff to do. How does this airhead have time to worry about what is in other people’s underpants? I’m sure people can manage their own privates without the help of the DHHS.

Here’s the thing, Donny… I don’t have to understand why someone identifies with whatever gender he/she/it does. Neither do you. Nor does the DHHS. If I don’t understand somebody’s identity, I still don’t get to make him feel bad about it. That’s rude. And bad policy. No matter how somebody identifies himself/herself/itself, the DHHS is just supposed to concern itself with making sure he/she/it/whatever is a healthy he/she/it/whatever. Not pass judgment. That is not the job of the DHHS, to go around passing judgment and making people feel bad. Making people feel bad is the exact opposite of the job of the DHHS. It seems pretty basic, but obviously the guy in charge didn’t get the memo.

Times change, and views on things change, and no matter what gender somebody wants to identify with, the DHHS just needs to make sure that person has a chance to be reasonably healthy. Start declaring what things in which underpants in what combinations are acceptable, and you dredge up a whole host of fears and worries people have about this stuff, and that is a really bad idea, Donny. Remember the whole “birther” thing? Well, what if someone demands that you prove you’re really a guy? You wouldn’t even release your tax returns. Do you really want America looking in your drawers?

Better scoot on over to the DHHS and have a chat with them, quick. Maybe suggest they check on all those locked-up kids and make sure they’re healthy. Or work on conditions in Puerto Rico or where Hurricane Michael hit. Those people could use all kinds of Health and Human Services.

Hi to Melania next time you see her – Your Pen Pal

Wait… this could work…

October 16, 2018

Dear Donny:

I’m so excited! I had an idea and I had to get it to you right away. This is the sort of idea that changes everything. Donny, I have it! I have the answer to all of your problems!

NASCAR.

No, I’m not suggesting you quit being President and become a race car driver. Although now that I think of it… if you did quit to drive NASCAR, all of a sudden, Robert Muller doesn’t care much what you do any more. I’ve never heard him even mention NASCAR. And you could sponsor yourself and put your own name all over your clothes and the car. You know how you would like that.

Or it could just end your problems by ending you. There’s a big difference between driving a golf cart and taking a turn on the speedway. So let’s keep that idea in your back pocket, just in case.

What I mean is naming rights. You know how big corporations pay sports teams to put their names on race cars, arenas and such? Yes, I know, you don’t have that kind of money. That’s not what I’m saying. This is a new idea. And, hang on to your golden toilet, Donny… we rename the country. What’s Amerigo Vespucci done for us lately? He’s had his turn. How about Trumperica! Trumpistan?

Don’t tweet yet. I know what you’re thinking. Why would people who loathe you agree to that? Here’s the genius part, Donny. You tell everyone you will step down. You, your whole family, the whole bunch. In return, everyone agrees to rename the country, and gives you $ 5.

Doesn’t sound like much, does it? But Donny, there are 326 million people in America, more or less. $5 from each one comes to one billion, six hundred and thirty million dollars! The people who like you would happily pay $5 to help you out, and the people who hate you would be thrilled to pay $5 to get rid of you, so I don’t see how anyone could say no to this!

Of course, details matter (trust me, Donny. I know you disagree and I’ll probably never convince you, but stuff like facts and details really do matter). You’d only get to rename the country for the rest of what would have been your term. But Donny, even if you give your cronies a million each to go away, and give each of the kids a million (and Donny, every kid has to get the same, or there will be fights. Don’t give it all to Ivanka just because you can’t remember the names of the other kids. Ask Melania. She probably knows), that still leaves you with more money than you’ve ever had.

You still get to be on the list of United States Presidents without the asterisk after your name that Muller will probably add… or worse yet, getting imprisoned or shot. I know the GOP is happily looking the other way no matter what you do so long as you let them cut taxes for their friends, but Donny, even they have to take treason seriously. I know you didn’t mean to. You don’t even know what it is now, so you sure didn’t then, but see, you were running for President. Nobody will buy that you had never read the Constitution and had no idea what it was you were running for. I believe you – it’s clear that even now you don’t really understand what the job is – but it doesn’t look good. This way, you’re on the list, no pesky “howevers” about it.

And you’ll be the only one who was also President of Trumpalia! Trumpivia?

We can even extend it. If you and the family promise to stay out of the public eye, permanently, just retire from politics and business, you could probably get naming rights to all sorts of things! Imagine Rachel Maddow sporting Trump jeans! Robert Reich hiking down his trousers to show the waistband of his Trump undies (ooh, Donny! Trump + undies = Trumpies! Or maybe you save that name for diapers. “When someone takes a dumpy, it’s time for Trumpies!”).

Or we could rename each state, just for a year, after you. 50 states, Donny! And at your age, we probably wouldn’t even get through the whole 50, so each state has a limited risk each year. Just think, if you got to look at the map and see New Trumpork or Trumpifornia! They’d hate it, but they’d do it, once someone pointed out that they’d get to walk around feeling really smug and long-suffering, knowing they were taking one for the team for a year, and knowing it was deserved.

Best yet, with that kind of money, you could afford to reunite every one of those kids you took with his or her family. Even if you hired a thousand private detectives and gave them $100,000 each to locate the families and reunite the kids with them, you still come out of this with more than a billion dollars, and a clear conscience. You’ll sleep better at night. We all will.

God bless Trumpistan! Trumpland? No, too theme-parky (can you imagine what the rides would be like?). Trumpvania? We’ll figure it out. Let me know what you think, Donny. I’ve got my $5 all ready to send.

Your Pen Pal

October 12, 2018

Dear Donny:

I’m sorry I’m late writing to you. I haven’t heard from you for a few days, either, but it’s understandable, with all you have going on.

That thing with Brett Kavanaugh… Donny, that’s awful! You poor guy. Didn’t I tell you, though? It’s not a good idea to use a Supreme Court nomination to make a joke. Not everyone gets your sense of humor.

Congress isn’t exactly weighed down with people with a good sense of humor. Mitch McConnell isn’t exactly a laugh riot, and Lindsey Graham? If you want someone to screech, he’s your guy, but his jokes are probably the sort where the next thing he has to say after the punch line is, “I’M KIDDING! Jeez, you have no sense of humor.” They seem like mean guys, Donny. Watch your back.

How’s the Space Force thing going? I haven’t heard anything lately. Did that poor guy who was so worried about the logo pick one out? Of all the stuff you have to do, setting up the Space Cadets is probably easiest, if you can talk NASA into being part of it. They already have all the information and a place to launch things. Maybe some of their astronauts want to be Space Cadets? Can’t hurt to ask.

They’re always under-funded, so if you offer them a bit of cash, they’ll probably go for it. That way, you don’t have to make a whole new agency and everything from scratch. Rockets are expensive. You were going to need rockets, right? Not just a logo? Just having a logo would be cheaper, but leaves out the “space” part. Although maybe you’re more interested in the “force” bit anyway.

Nobody in your family has written me for money in a week! That’s some kind of record. I’m hoping this means you found some money you forgot about in an old coat, or a purse Melania hasn’t used in a long time. That’s a lot of fun. I found $10 once. You guys have more coats and purses, though, so you probably found a lot more than that. $50? It’s none of my business. I’m just curious. I bet it’s more like $100. How is Melania? I notice she’s getting out and about, so that’s good. I know how she hates being in Washington.

What’s new with the wall? I saw that some guy named Kevin McCarthy, who is, apparently, a legislator, wants United States taxpayers to pay for the wall. I’m sure he means well, Donny, but you’d better let him know that Mexico is paying for the wall, before he wastes too much more time on it. Did you tell everybody else Mexico is paying for the wall, and forget to tell him? Make sure he’s on your email list so he won’t miss the next announcement. Maybe the President of Mexico could send him a note.

Speaking of which… you might need to skip emails and go down to the Department of Homeland Security in person, Donny. Remember all those kids from immigrant families who got taken away from their folks? Now it looks as though some of them (a bunch, really) might end up being put up for adoption! This is a major screw-up, Donny. You might have to yell at some people.

Imagine someone had just taken Eric, Donald Jr. , Tiffany, Barron, and even Ivanka away from you, and you’d never see them again! Okay, well, imagine someone had stolen your wallet and emptied out your bank accounts, and you were never going to get that money back. That’s how their families must be feeling. Somebody gave DHS and ICE the wrong instructions, and they’re not questioning it – they’re going full-speed ahead.

I saw some footage from a rally you had. Looked like you were having fun, but… Donny, you know I’m your Pen Pal and your friend, so I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. It’s time to stop running for President. Now it’s time to be President, before Kevin makes us all pay for some giant-ass wall, Lindsey brings another of his dodgy pals into government, a bunch of kids get hijacked and adopted out, and some clown has people trying to launch satellites with zip guns from the top of the White House. Wouldn’t it be a better rally if you got things stabilized? A rally isn’t as much fun on the deck of a sinking ship. I know you can do it.

All the best, your Pen Pal

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/kevin-mccarthy-introducing-bill-to-fully-fund-border-wall/

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/deported-parents-may-lose-kids-adoption-investigation-finds-n918261

Lara is looking for top patriots.

October 3, 2018

Dear Donny:

I’ve heard from Lara a couple of times in the last week, which makes me feel just awful about not answering her. Please tell her that I mean to answer but just don’t have the free time you guys seem to have. What else does Lara do when she’s not emailing me? She must have a hobby. Does she knit?

It said online that she’s a producer and host. What does she host or produce? I haven’t heard of her, but then, there are so many channels now, so I haven’t heard of most of the people on tv. Let’s face it, being a “celebrity” doesn’t mean what it used to. You know what I mean.

She says you have “tuned out the mainstream media.” I understand, but that’s a real shame, Donny. The news is so awful these days that it just eats at you. But you’re President now, Donny. You have to know what’s really going on. Do what I do – hide under the sofa and turn the tv on with the remote control.

Lara said you’re holding a “massive rally” and you’re “inviting a top patriot to enter to win to be his behind-the-scenes VIP special guest and get your picture taken together.” How do you decide who is a “top patriot?” Is it like the Congressional Medal of Honor, where you have to have a lot of accomplishments, or is it more like a game show where the first person to complete the obstacle course wins? If so, where do you do it? In the White House rose garden? On the golf course between rounds?

One thing confuses me about all of this – Lara said you are “inviting a top patriot to enter to win.” So even once this person manages to cross the rope bridge without falling into a vat of pudding, or whatever, he only gets a chance at being a VIP? Surely she doesn’t define “top patriot” as “people who give her (or you) money.” We have people who put their lives at risk for this country every day. Some dude with a fat wallet is not necessarily a patriot, let alone a top one.

Lara is begging for money again. Your family talks about money a lot. I’m not sure it’s healthy, Donny. Okay, you guys maybe had a lot of money at some point and now you don’t, but obsessing on it isn’t good for any of you. If Lara doesn’t have a hobby, you should tell her to get one. Something inexpensive. There are whole channels on Youtube devoted to showing you how to make things from junk like old CDs. I’m sure the White House produces a lot of leftover stuff she could use. It would be good for her to have something else to think about.

Oh – I meant to tell you – I’m still getting messages from your headquarters building. It gave me three hours to help it meet its goal. It didn’t say what its goal is. I’d ask for more details, but I don’t want to encourage it. I’ll be hearing from your furniture next. I’m not hearing from Mr. Pence any more. You told him I’m a woman, didn’t you? Thank you!

I did get that list you sent of famous people giving money to the Democratic Party. Wow, there are some big names on that list. But you sent a list of the most famous Democratic supporters, and your list of supporters was just “the latest,” as opposed to your most famous. Don’t feel bad, Donny. You’ve had your share of big-money donors. Sure, not all of them are famous, but the founders of the WWE, the McMahons, gave you almost $8 million last time. Your big donors may not be famous, but they’re rich, Donny. Serious money.

Betsy DeVos’s family gave you nearly $2 million last time. You gave her a Cabinet post, so imagine what they’ll give you this time around! By the way, what do all those people who gave $50 and such get? Betsy got a Cabinet job and some other people who gave you a lot got jobs and tax cuts and such, but what about the people who gave $20? What did they get? I hope it’s nice. Maybe one of those clips that hold the potato chip bag closed once you’ve opened it. It’s not easy to find a nice gift that is affordable. You can’t given everyone a Cabinet job.

Those people who contributed to your “super-Pacs” make a few million look like loose change you found on the street. You gave them big tax cuts (and even more tax cuts just recently). They will make their gratitude known, don’t worry about that. If you get re-elected, you can give them even more goodies than you already have! They’ll be shoveling money at you like they’re trying to bury a big secret with it, don’t you worry. But what are you doing with all those millions?

You know I’m your Pen Pal and I like you even though you’re flat broke, and your family asks for money almost every day, but what are you doing with all those millions and millions of dollars? You aren’t supposed to use campaign money for personal expenses, I know. Is that the problem? People suspect you’re doing something you shouldn’t? If you release those tax returns, you can at least get that rumor out of the way and concentrate on the Muller thing. And that whole thing about Brett. Oh, Donny, what the heck? Where did you find this guy? He likes beer… okay, lots of people do, but it’s not a qualification for the Supreme Court. Those poor women. Especially that Dr. Ford who had to stand up in front of the whole world and talk about stuff she clearly didn’t want to talk about. And some of the comments… oh my God, Donny! Would someone please, please muzzle Mitch McConnell? He’s like that old, drunk uncle you have to deal with on Thanksgiving even though you know he’s going to say awful stuff and do something inappropriate with the turkey so everyone will end up eating cheese sandwiches instead.

I’m sure Brett is your buddy and you like him, but isn’t he a bit, well, jumpy to be a Supreme Court judge? You’d hope someone like that would be cool under fire, but he was like cotton candy in a rainstorm. I really hope he didn’t do it, but I noticed that he would never really say “yes” to an FBI investigation. You can’t have someone with that sort of cloud hanging over him on the nation’s most important court, though. There are still people who put a little mental asterisk after everything that Thomas says. Friend or not, it’s time to call a halt to the hearing, have the FBI take it apart and look for things in the sofa cushions, and then, once he’s cleared, go ahead with the hearing. Frankly, there are so many asterisks floating around what’s coming out of Washington now, it looks like a blizzard. You don’t need anyone else suspicious on the team.

Let me know when your “top patriot” show will be on. If it doesn’t have a title, that might be a good one! “Donald Trump’s Top Patriot.” Who wouldn’t want to carry that title?

Give my best to Melania. I hope she’s enjoying her trip. And tell Lara if she wants to learn to knit, I know some people who could show her how.

All the best,

Your Pen Pal

Lara’s looking for “top patriots.”

September 26, 2018:

Dear Donny:

I heard about what happened at the U.N. Donny, I’m afraid they were laughing at you, not with you. Who writes your speeches, Donny? “In less than two years, my administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country,” you said. In front of the U.N. Donny, I’m your pen pal and I believe in you, you know that, but even your own Mama would find that a bit of a stretch.

Think about it! Washington, who was a General, pretty much determined how the American Presidency would work. Adams and Jefferson were Founding Fathers, for crying out loud! Jefferson was the foremost writer of the Declaration of Independence! Madison is “the father of the Bill of Rights,” Monroe stood up to Europe to establish America as its own, separate identity (with the idea that foreign powers should not interfere in our government. Remember that, Donny, next time Vlad winks at you). Polk expanded the borders of the U.S. , and Lincoln… come on, Donny, even you know about Lincoln.

Garfield fought corruption. Teddy Roosevelt established the national parks system. Taft went on to become a Supreme Court Justice after he was President. Wilson led the U.S. Through WWI and fought to bring nations together (like the U.N.). Hoover organized post-war relief efforts. FDR got us through The Great Depression and led the country during most of WWII. Eisenhower was a war hero who bucked extremists to try to keep the country on a more moderate course during the Cold War.

Johnson really mastered The Art of the Deal and got sweeping antipoverty and civil rights legislation passed. Carter improved peace with the middle east and works for improvements for the poor and disenfranchised. George HW Bush was a war hero and an ambassador before serving as President and signed the Americans With Disabilities Act into law and guided the country through some dicey political waters when the Soviet Union collapsed.

Donny, so far, you’ve managed to cut taxes for rich people and work on taking away health care from those people Obama was trying to help.

Not really in the big leagues yet, Donny.

But it’s something to work on.

Why not aim for the middle? That’s respectable. Considering we’ve had over 40 Presidents so far, being, say, #23 in the rankings wouldn’t be bad. William Henry Harrison caught a cold and died after only a month in office. All you have to do to outdo Harrison is wash your hands regularly and maybe drink more orange juice. That doesn’t seem so hard.

Millard Fillmore approved a compromise allowing slavery to continue in the South, and ran for President a second time as part of the anti-immigrant Know-Nothing Party. So the bar is pretty low there. But you might have to kick a few of your friends to the curb and watch what you say. Warren Harding croaked during his term, surrounded by a huge corruption scandal. If the Muller investigation doesn’t get you and you don’t keel over, you can beat that.

Franklin Pierce’s wife hated D.C. When they told her he’d been nominated for President, she fainted. If Melania can keep upright, you’re good there. Has she graduated from college? If so, First-Lady-wise, you tie with Rutherford B. Hayes. He also lost the popular vote but won the electoral college, so you guys are brothers from another mother.

If I were you, I’d aim to tie with Chester A. Arthur. We don’t talk about him much. He wasn’t well-known before he became President, so it might seem like you have nothing in common, but he ended up surprising people. They didn’t expect much from him, but he turned out to be honest and responsible. During his law practice, he defended a black woman who had been “abused on a streetcar.” You can imagine what that was like. He won her case and the streetcar companies had to integrate. In his quiet way, he was kind of badass, and exceeded expectations.

There’s your model right there, Donny. Be the next Chester A. Arthur. Maybe that could be your slogan for the next election, “Donald John Trump, America’s Next Chester A. Arthur.” Or, “Donald Trump: Give Me Another Chance. I Might Surprise You!” On second thought, stick to the first one. Not all surprises are good ones. No sense reminding people.

I did get your emails asking me to become a “sustaining” member. Does that mean you want me to send you money every month? I just can’t, Donny. I’m sorry. Our health care costs keep going up. Which reminds me, when does the fantastic health care you promised everyone kick in? You said we’d have better health care and lower costs. When does it start? Maybe once it does, I can send you some money every month. If you tell me what day it will start, I’ll look at how things are then.

Eric writes a check for me.

Meantime, did you know I got an email from Eric? Poor Eric… he gets lost in the shuffle a lot. Anyway, he said he was going to write a check in my honor. Does Eric have money? Where does he get it? I know you’re broke, and it’s embarrassing to hit up a relative for money, but maybe you should ask Eric? Someone should be able to introduce you.

Eric wants me to write a check, too. Please tell him that I wish I could, but I can’t. Maybe he can just write a bigger check?  Or he can wait until the better health care starts and then we’ll talk.

Best luck becoming the next Chester A. Arthur, Donny! I know  you can do it.

September 20, 2018:

Dear Donny:

I’m sorry this is a day late! Work got in the way of fun. I admire the way you manage not to do that, let work get in the way of enjoying yourself. Look at how often you play golf. What else do you do for fun? I have this mental image of you diving into a big pile of money, like Scrooge McDuck. Tell the truth — when you had money, did you ever do that? Did you get quarters up your nose?

Donny is have a big rally. Or a rally of big people. Not sure.

I got an email from some people identifying themselves as “Team Trump.” That’s a nice tongue twister. I actually sat around for a minute saying it over and over as fast as I could. Anyway, thank them for calling me “such an important part of our movement.” Is that because I’m your pen pal? They offered me two chances to go to one of your “MASSIVE rallies” and put me up in a hotel with a friend. Did they mean you?

That’s sweet, Donny, but I don’t think we should share a hotel room. Sometimes traveling with a person is the end of the friendship, and as fond as I am of you, I think we’d drive each other crazy sharing a room. Maybe I could stay with Melania in her room? I don’t need much closet space, and she seems a bit lonely. You’ll have that MASSIVE rally of people, but who does Melania have?

And truth to tell, I’m not much for crowds, especially MASSIVE crowds. Things get out of hand when you get a bunch of people together and whip them up talking about people they hate. Look at some of the stuff going on now. I’d rather not be there. Or maybe it’s not a bunch of people, but just a few people who are really big? I need to lose a few pounds – well, more than a few – so if it’s that sort of gathering, I’d fit right in. And it’s harder for fat people to pose a public threat. We get winded easily. You know what I mean.

The election really shouldn’t be about me…

In your email, you talked about making the upcoming election about me. That’s so nice of you, but please don’t, Donny. You’re the President and the election should be about you, the things you’ve done so far. Which reminds me, Donny, how are all those kids?

I saw a report about a week ago that says there are over 12,000 kids still in detention! Talk about a “massive” job! I understand if it’s taking some time. I mean, everybody always thinks they know who the baby looks like, but they don’t agree. You’re probably tired and foot sore, wandering those cages and all, holding up babies and trying to match them to their families. But I also know my friend Donny won’t stop until every kid is reunited with his or her family, no matter what it takes.

It warms my heart that you care so much about me. I like you, too! But the kids. It should be about the kids.

The liberals in Hollywood have a machine that makes money? Wow! I wish you could borrow it, but they probably wouldn’t lend it to you. It worries me, how broke you are. And think of all the good you could do if you had a lot of money! So many people are hurting, and you could help them. Maybe if you promised to use it to help people, they would lend it to you? Or at least give you some of the money? Liberals like to help people in need, and if they saw all the messages I get from your family begging for cash, they’d have to help you. Let me know who has the machine and I’ll send him copies of your emails.

It was bad enough when the whole family started writing to me…

Speaking of which… you know how much I love hearing from you, Donny, but this email thing is getting out of hand. Emails from you, that’s one thing. From Melania? That’s fine. She seems nice and she seems to need friends. I haven’t heard lately from that dude who was so worried about the logo for the Space Cadets or whatever that was, which is great. He seems a few chocolate chips short of a cookie. Mike writes occasionally and okay, I guess he’s your bestie, but considering what a thing he has about women, should he be writing to women he doesn’t know, even your friends? Does his wife know he does that?

Lara writes me for money… you might explain to her that I’m not her mom. She seems confused about that. Ivanka wrote a couple of times and I think Donald Jr. wrote me, too, but just once. I might be wrong about that. Maybe Eric too, I don’t remember. But Donny, now it’s really gone too far. I’m hearing from your buildings now.

Well, one in particular. Now I get messages “from Trump headquarters” or “approved by Trump headquarters.” Has it come to that? You’ve got me worried, Donny. Either (1) you’ve slipped a cog and you think your buildings are talking, so it’s time to see a doctor (NOT that guy who looks like an old surfer who’s taken a board to the head too many times), or (2) you’ve really found a way to get buildings to talk and write, in which case, Donny, whatever you do, DO NOT let Robert Muller into any of your buildings!

If they find out you don’t have money any more, they won’t send you to Rich People Prison. They’ll send you to Real People Prison and Donny, we both know you would not do well there.

Let me know where to send those copies of your emails so you can get some money from the liberal machine. And good luck with the MASSIVE rallies!

September 12, 2018:

Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on Supreme Court nominees…

Dear Donny:

How are things? I just got your email about the things you love the most. LOL! I pictured you dancing around the White House like Maria in The Sound of Music, trilling about your favorite things. “My name on buildings and gold-plated plumbing. Giving a speech both confusing and numbing…”  Sorry, Donny, that wasn’t nice of me. You know how it is when you start a joke and it runs off with you. Rhyming “plumbing” wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

Anyway, you said “Someone in the media wrote an article DOUBTING my stories of all the great Americans who come up to me with tears in their eyes, thanking me for what WE are doing for our country.”  Who wrote the article? That was really mean. Here you’ve got what sounds like waves of people who see you and burst into tears, and someone has the gall to doubt your word about that?  For what it’s worth, Donny, I absolutely believe you.

How do you know why they’re crying, though? In my experience, people who are crying aren’t usually very good at explaining it. Lots of sniffling and hiccuping. Rooting around for a clean tissue (why don’t people carry handkerchiefs any more? Do you? I’ve seen you with one of those “pocket square” things, but they’re useless when someone is really crying.  Anyway, do they manage to tell you why you’re making them cry, or are you guessing? Or maybe they do some sort of pantomime? Charades?

You said, “That is so insulting. Not to me. But to you.” Where do I come into it? Did they mention me by name? Are you sure? If they were crying, maybe it just sounded like they were insulting me. They might have been asking you for spare change or  directions to the Lincoln Memorial. Like I say, it’s hard to tell when people are crying.

That’s got to be rough. Here you’re reduced to begging for money again, and surrounded by sobbing people. How do you keep your spirits up? Golf? It’s a good thing you have your own golf course. Friends who play say the greens fees really add up quickly.

Is that why you still haven’t released your  tax returns? Are you embarrassed? Donny, just go ahead and release them.  It goes with the job. Lots of people have been broke and will understand. Maybe they’ll even send you a few bucks. I know how much you need it. Every other email, you ask for money. I wish I was as rich as some people think you are. Then I could send you a little something to tide you over. I really hope you find someone to help. But you know I’m always there for you if you want to talk.

Ummm, Melania, here we don’t… never mind. Donny will explain it.

Say “hi” to Melania for me if you see her. I got her email about the same time as I got yours.  Tell her I’ll answer it as soon as I can. She said she never envisioned being First Lady and asked me to sign some sort of pledge. She didn’t grow up here, did she? You’d better explain to her that we pledge allegiance to the flag and country, not to individual people. That’s one of the big things the FF’s (Founding Fathers) were really clear about — we’re supposed to be a nation of laws dedicated to principles, not people. Signing some sort of loyalty  pledge is more what you’d expect in a dictatorship, not a democracy. I’m sure it’d be better if the explanation came from you rather than from me, though.

Btw, is September 11 your birthday? I saw you and you looked really happy, waving your fist in the air and smiling. I’m glad to see you happy, Donny. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just that for most of us, at least here in the U.S., 9/11 is a solemn thing.  But life does go on and you do get to celebrate your birthday. I wouldn’t begrudge you that. I just hope you weren’t surprised when other people didn’t join in. It wasn’t personal, Donny. They were just thinking about something else.

Best to the family . Your Pen Pal

September 4, 2018:

Donny, Brad’s knickers are all in a twist over Kavanaugh.

Dear Donny:

In every friendship, there’s a moment when one friend has to ask another friend to ask his other friend to stop bothering her, and I guess that time is now. I enjoy hearing from you, you know that. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would become the pen pal of the President of the United States!

And it’s sweet that you shared my email address with your wife. Melania seems like she could use a few friends. It was even okay when I started hearing from your kids and their spouses. But then it was the Vice President (does he know I’m female? I kind of thought he had, y’know, a “thing” about talking to women without his wife watching), then that dorkus Brad who was all worked up about a logo for the Space Force, and now Brad the Dorkus is sending me rude messages

Donny, I’m your buddy, and that’s great, but please don’t hand out my email address to every person you meet without asking me first. This Brad Parscale guy, look… I know he’s your Campaign Manager (well, he’s calling himself that, anyway), but he’s a jerk. I’m used to how you use all caps a lot (WALL!), but this guy’s knickers are so knotted up he may have trouble breathing. And he doesn’t seem to have any political experience, Donny. Are you sure you want someone who faints easily running your campaign?

First he wants me to help design the logo for Space Force before anybody even knows what it’s going to be (he was a lot more interested in the logo than in, say, an actual force of some sort. Rockets, astronauts (or will you call them “rocketeers?”) and such would be more useful, but Brad wants to be sure the signs look pretty. Now he seems to be very upset that the Democrats didn’t welcome your Supreme Court nominee with open arms. What did he expect? The GOP wouldn’t even look Merrick Garland in the eye, and most of them said they liked him.

Mr. Kavanaugh isn’t your usual Supreme Court nominee. He’s got a more partisan record than the average justice. He was a White House Counsel, so he was involved in a lot of political decisions – so there should be lots for Congress to read through before deciding. He’s said Presidents shouldn’t be questioned while in office, which would be great for you, but he’s also hiding stuff, Donny – and the last thing you need is someone else in your inner circle who is busy nudging stuff under the sofa. Lots of the paper trail hasn’t been released, and lots of what has been released has been redacted so much it looks like an add for permanent markers.

I’m your pen pal, so I’m going to tell you what a friend would tell you: you need a Boy Scout. Or a Girl Scout. Or Captain America. Someone who has a record for being impartial and thoughtful. This guy is not that person, Donny. Just standing near him is making you look guiltier. There’s an old poem:

A drunkard and a pig in the gutter lay.
Two ladies saw them lying there, and were heard to say,
“You can tell someone who boozes by the company he chooses.”
So the pig got up and slowly walked away.

You need to slowly walk away, Donny. People are already saying that you want Kavanaugh because you’re guilty and scared, so you’re trying to stack the deck. So even if you win, even your friends will wonder if you’re really guilty. Do you want people looking down on you for the rest of your life? Talk to Mr. Mueller, Donny. Don’t wait until there’s a full bench on the Supreme Court. Tell Rudy to go on vacation, and once he’s left Washington, grab the other lawyers and head for the Special Counsel’s office. Prove yourself innocent of treason, then go after the traitors with the full power of the Executive Branch. Call in Congress. This is the most serious threat to our country since they burning of Washington, DC in 1814.

You said you were going to drain the swamp, Donny. Time to pick up your bucket and start bailing. Ask Paul Ryan to help. He loves to exercise.

Naturally the Dems aren’t thrilled about Kavanaugh. That’s how it always goes with these things, and this guy is even more likely to cause consternations than the average nominee. But poor Mr. Parscale is practially fanning himself and calling for smelling salts. He sent me one of those “sign my petition!” emails. Nobody likes getting those.

At least my aunt starts with some kind of personal message, how her kids are (the ones we never hear from), that she’s planting petunias instead of zinnias this year in the front yard, that sort of thing. THEN she launches into whatever petition she wants me to sign. Mr. Parscale doesn’t even introduce himself and ask how I am. He just calls me “friend” and starts issuing orders. Well, you can tell Mr. Parscale for me that just because you and I are friends does not make me friends with him, and my friends don’t expect me to “hop, frog” just because they said so. They ASK, Donny. Politely. This dingdong didn’t even say “please.” Kids in kindergarten know to say “please.” Tell Mr. Parscale he can take his petition and…

Sorry, Donny. It’s not your fault. Maybe you did give him my email address, but I’m sure you didn’t tell him to use it to make himself sound like a hysterical jackass. You probably said something like, “Hey, Brad, if you want people to sign your petition, you can ask my pen pal.” But really, Donny, don’t hand out my email any more, okay? I feel bad enough that I haven’t been able to keep up with Lara’s emails. I don’t feel so bad about Mike Pence’s since I know he wouldn’t email me if he knew about me being female. Let him know, okay?

And tell Mr. Parscale that hearings are almost always contentious, with the other side asking lots of uncomfortable questions. I mean, Kavanaugh’s own side isn’t like to grill him, after all. That’s how it always goes. It’s nothing to get so worked up about. Maybe you should encourage him to lie down in a quiet room with a damp cloth over his eyes for a bit. And think about a career change. Politics isn’t for the overly sensitive.

If you want me to go to Robert Mueller’s office with you and hold your hand, just send a plane here and I will throw a few things in a suitcase. I’m not picky – Air Force 2 is fine. Or ask that dingledoodle Brad to send Space Force (snicker). After you talk to Mr. Mueller, we could visit one of your golf courses. I’m a lousy golfer, so I wouldn’t even have to let you win. If you can swing a club and hit the ball, you’ll beat me, and that should make you feel a little better. Plus, I really want to see your gold toilet. Not use it – I can’t imagine actually using a gold toilet. Besides, I don’t use Twitter much. But you can show me your gold stuff and beat me at golf, and I’ll tell everyone about my very brave pen pal who did what was right for his country, even though it wasn’t fun at all.

Best to Melania, if you see her!

Your Pen Pal

Make Our Fannies Great Again! 40% Off!

September 3

Dear Donny:

Thanks for sending me that email about the sale in your shop! I have an Etsy shop, but I don’t use it much. Certainly not like your shop! There sure is a lot there. Do you design everything yourself? It looks like a person could almost go from breakfast to bedtime and use nothing but your stuff. It would be like having you there 24/7, watching everything I do! But you’ve probably already got someone doing that.

Some of it would make great holiday gifts. That coffee mug! I (heart) waking up and remembering that Donald Trump is President.” Personally, I love a good gag gift. But some of my friends are pretty tense lately and might not get the joke. When I say that I still can’t believe you’re President of the United States, I know you won’t take it wrong. I mean, you’ve got to be pretty surprised, even now.

One thing confused me, though… you have stuff that says “Make America Great Again.” I thought electing you was supposed to achieve that. Selling stuff that says “MAGA” on it now is like saying you missed the putt and you’re taking a Mulligan, to use a term you’ll recognize. Whiffed the pitch, so to speak, so you’re calling the first one a practice swing. Sorry, that’s all of the sports analogies I have handy, but you get what I’m saying.

Some of your merch is really reasonably priced, Donny. Only $10 for a set of Trump/Pence mini-megaphones? Only 7” long… is that for when you think you want to be heard, but you’re not sure? It says it’s made from “recycled materials.” That’s a bit vague. Plastic? Paper? Unused Trump University diplomas? Whatever it is, $10 seems very reasonable. I bet you’ll sell out of those in a tick.

Good luck with your Labor Day sale! I know how you guys have been hurting for cash, so I really hope it goes well. Let me know what happens!

A few (thousand) dollars short.

What happened with that FEC deadline? When I checked, you were nowhere near your goal. That’s not good news. You’d have to sell a lot of plastic cups to make that up. Btw, plastic cups? I mean, you might buy some for a barbecue if the pattern was nice, but $5 a cup? You may need to lower the price a bit. Oh, that reminds me… that “Make Our Farmers Great Again” hat. Donny. Our farmers are great. They always have been. Especially the family farmers. A person might take that as an insult. Why not paint over the middle letters and change it to, “Make Our Fannies Great Again?” Tie it to some sort of national fitness program. You’re welcome!

Actually, I just remembered that whole unfortunate incident where you talked about women and… better just scrap the hats altogether.

Hard to know who your friends are!

Anyway, I did get your email about your allies turning on you. That is so sad! You just can’t tell who your friends really are until the Special Counsel drags them into court, can you? I know you would never turn on them the way they’re turning on you. Unless, of course, it would keep you out of prison. In that case, Donny, roll like a dung beetle. You wouldn’t do well in prison. A person has to be realistic.

So I’m glad you have some true friends. Imagine, people are giving you their hard-earned money, even if it’s just $5, even though you told everybody when you were running that you didn’t need money. But lawyers aren’t cheap, especially good ones. That’s how I first knew you were hurting for cash. It wasn’t the emails Lara sent begging for money. It was when you hired Rudy. Did you know he can’t keep his mouth shut when you hired him? I mean, it seems like every other day, he’s on the news telling the world you did stuff. Isn’t it a lawyer’s job to claim you didn’t do it? Or at least not say anything? Rudy likes the limelight too much, I think. So I’m glad all those people are sending you money. Maybe you can use it to send Rudy somewhere on vacation until all of this is over.

Say “hello” to Melania, if you see her. And pass on my greetings to Lara. I just haven’t been able to write to her as often as she writes to me. Your family loves to write emails, Donny! LOL. I have trouble getting mine to sign Christmas cards in time. One year, they went out just before the 4th of July of the following year. I can’t imagine what I’d have to do to get my family to write every single day. It’s nice. I’ll never be lonely so long as the White House has an internet connection.

Good luck with the sale. If you make enough, you might buy a muzzle for a certain attorney. You know who!

Your Pen Pal

 

August 30, 2018:

Of walls, hunts for fake witches, and Sunset Magazine.

Dear Donny:

Thank you for all the emails! You make me feel like a bad friend, though. I just haven’t been able to keep up with you. Five emails in a week! True, two were from Melania and one from Lara, but still. I don’t know how you make time to run a country and write to me almost every day. I hope you aren’t taking time from something important to write to me. It’s enough of an honor to be the President’s pen pal without being greedy.

You seem so upset about the media. There’s a lot of media. Are you angry at all of them? Even the Muppets on Sesame Street and the people at Fox News? How about the publisher of Ranger Rick Magazine? Are they all attacking you? Why are the people at Sunset Magazine mad at you? Did you forget to renew your subscription?

You’re right. I do care about jobs, my savings and healthcare. A lot. I imagine most people do. Things have been rough for working people. I know of small business owners who want to offer health care for their workers, but it’s expensive for a small business, plus the paperwork is onerous. People are terrified of getting sick or injured and having to see a doctor, because the bills would bankrupt them. Donny, I know from your emails that a lot of people are mad at you, and you’re very busy, but if you could get around to keeping that promise you made that we would all have amazing healthcare for less than we were already paying, that would be fantastic! At that point, almost everyone would like you. Maybe not a few people who make a lot of money from the way things are, but just about everyone else!

You’re right, I don’t care much about fake witch hunts. Did you mean fake hunts for witches, or real hunts for fake witches? Either way, nobody’s going to care about that. I am following the news about the Mueller investigation, though. It’s a wow. People are really getting charged and confessing and stuff. It looks like Russia really is tampering with our elections! That’s about as serious as anything can get. I mean, that threatens our entire country! I bet you’re up nights worrying about everything they’re finding out. What a time to be President. What were the chances you’d be elected at the same time a foreign power is interfering with our elections! I can’t wait to see how you handle it.

You mention illegal immigration and the wall, or as you put it, “THE WALL.” It’s not that I don’t care about illegal immigration. I mean, those poor children! Yikes! Weren’t you working on getting those kids together with their parents? I bet you’ll be relieved when that’s done. Everyone makes mistakes, Donny, but as your friend, I have to tell you that was a big one. I’m sure you won’t rest until you get that solved. If that means you can’t write to me for a while, that’s okay. I realize the kids are more important.

The wall… well, Donny, I know you have your heart set on that wall. I bet it was really disappointing that Mexico said they wouldn’t pay for it, not even a single bit. So you’d have to come up with billions of dollars for it. And I bet it would be a really nice wall, big and sturdy and maybe with your face painted on it… maybe you should make a trip down to Home Depot? They have some nice fencing that is a lot less expensive. If you buy the recycled wood panels, you can still put your face on it. I’d be willing to help. I don’t draw a lot of portraits, but I could draw a cartoon for you. We could probably bring the whole project in for a million or less, and Mexico might even chip in, if we let them draw on their side.

Donny, giving every American universal health care would make so many people happy and you could make quite a start on it for the same amount of money as you’d spend on the wall. And the kids, Donny. The kids. Maybe part of the money you were going to spend on the wall could go to getting them something nice.

You’ve got a lot to do, so I’d better let you go. Say hello to Melania and Lara for me. I’m sorry I don’t have time to answer all of the emails I got. I wish I could contribute to Lara’s fund. It’s so sad that all of you are so hurting for money! Somebody at the White House emails me asking for money almost every day, it seems like. Didn’t you tell them you fund your own campaigns without accepting a dime from anyone else? I can still remember when you said that. Sure, you did say you’d take some money if someone insisted, but you said you were rich and paying your own way. Did you forget to tell them, or did you run through all your money? You’ve been broke before, but I don’t know if Melania and Lara know how to get by without a lot of cash. Maybe it’s time to introduce them to ramen noodles. That’s what most people fall back on.

Hope you get those kids reunited with their parents soon. Let me know if I can help with the wall or universal health care –

Your penpal,

Joey

August 11, 2018

Dear Donny:

Wow, you are a prolific pen pal! I certainly can’t complain that I don’t hear from you! I’m also hearing from your family members and friends, though, and while it’s sweet that all of you keep in touch, I have to tell you… this is so awkward… Donny, please tell them to stop. I just don’t have the time to correspond with your entire family and all of your friends!

You must be some sort of genius, like Thomas Jefferson, or that guy on tv who sells Shamwow!, to have time to be President of the United States and write to me almost every day. How do you do it?

I hope you’re not offended if I answer several messages at once. Unlike you, I’m not a genius with boundless energy. After work, the housework, and cleaning up after the puppy, it’s all I can do to jot a quick answer to your emails and fall into bed.

People are coming over. What’s Donny making for dinner?

First off, congratulations to the folks who won your contest! How exciting for all of you to get to have dinner together! I’m not jealous. After all, we’re pen pals and you’ve assured me I am your “Friend,” which is kind of like being besties, right? Being the best friend of the President of the United States *and* his pen pal is enough for me.

What are you making them for dinner? Are you more of a “One Pot Meals for Busy Presidents” sort of cook, or do you really try the stuff on The Food Network?

I aspire to the latter but really only have time these days to throw together a sandwich. You can’t invite these people over for a cheese sandwich though, even if you use the good cheese. Once you invite people over for dinner, you have to figure out what you’re going to make. Don’t leave it until the last minute, though, Donny, or the store might be out of something you need. If I remember rightly, your signature dish is steak, so maybe stick with that, unless they’re vegetarians. Better ask them.

Some of Donny’s friends won their contests!

Congratulations on your friends winning their primary races. Five for five? Wow! The other four must be a real disappointment, but if that fifth guy manages to cross the finish line, your success rate will be slightly over 50%! I really hope for your sake he pulls it out. The race was a squeaker last time I looked. This is a real nail-biter. Good luck!

Brad wants my input on a logo for the Space Force!

As for the note from your friend Brad about the Space Cadets or whatever it is… Donny, you might not want to let Brad run anything. He thinks the most important thing to do first is pick a logo. It seems like if you’re sending people out into space, a lot of other things should come first. NASA hasn’t had enough money to go anywhere much for a long time, so if you’re going to re-use those old rockets, they’re going to need a lot of work.

And where are the Space Cadets going? I mean, you can’t just blow some trumpets, shout “hooray,” and launch people aimlessly out into space. Space is big. Like “huge” big. The biggest big.

And AAA doesn’t have road maps for it. Where are you trying to go?

If they’re just going to whip around the Earth a few times, maybe they can get by in a refurbished NASA rocket. Call it “retro.” People buy lots of things if they think they remind them of older things they like. Nostalgia is a great way to sell something. But if you want to do something nobody’s done before, you can’t set off in a Model T held together by patching compound and duct tape.

Anyway, I looked at the logo and several of them are nice, but… Maybe ask Disney if you can borrow one they already have. Buzz Lightyear! Maybe over a field that reads “To Infinity And Beyond!” Unless you have a destination in mind. They’ve sold a lot of stuff with Buzz Lightyear on it. Why not use what already works?

I really hope the whole Space Cadets thing works out. The way things are going, we might all want somewhere else to go. Oh… btw… whoever told you the wildfires are burning in CA because we don’t have access to enough water is pulling your leg.

The fires are burning through drought-ravaged areas in mountains where it’s hard and dangerous work to fight fires. I know your heart is with our brave firefighters, EMTs, police and rescue personnel. If you could throw them some money, that would be much appreciated. I know you have a lot to do with setting up the Space Cadets and making dinner for those people, but someone as smart and capable as you could do it.

Good luck with your dinner party! — your pen pal, JJ

#trump #presidentialpenpal

 

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